astonied

Losing One's Marbles At Trader Joe's

2011-09-08T00:55:00.001-07:00

At Trader Joe's this evening, just KA and I. So he is pushing the cart and kind of flapping around. After several times of me telling him to stop I grabbed the cart and started flapping my arms like a damn chicken and making clucking noises..VERY LOUDLY...I must say everyone was looking at me. KA got embarrased at which point I said to him, "So why is it you can do things and you think it isn't embarrasing and then I flap and cluck like a chicken and you are embarrased?" He replied, "I don't know mom but if you promise not to peck at the floor I promise not to tell Dad you lost your marbles."

Skin Color 101

2011-09-08T00:51:00.000-07:00

So Taylor the tutor is talking to KA about skin color. "Some people like me have pink skin, some have brown skin, some tan and some have yellow skin." KA "What happened? Nuclear Radiation?"

In case you don't know it KA's ethnicity is Korean.

Stuck on Genetic Engineering

2011-08-10T01:02:00.001-07:00

KA: So, I have a few ideas about genetic engineering. I am thinking it would not be good to make a Killer Whale/Great White Shark Combination.

Me: Probably not

KA: A herbivorous dinosaur would be okay but I dont think a carnivorious one would be appreciated.

Me: Right again

KA: I am thinking that bird-like dinosaur and a very fast runner may produce an interesting result. Or maybe a fish and a giant squid so you could feed the world....I forgot. I don't like fish. Okay then maybe an otter and popcorn.

Me: Huh?

KA: It would produce an Otter Pop! Just seeing if you're listening, Mom. Just seeing if you are listening.

Engineered

2011-08-09T01:43:00.000-07:00

KA: I just don't understand it.
Me: What don't you understand?
KA: She's quiet as a mouse, she is ferocious as a tiger, she is as swift as a deer, she's as mean as a badger and she looks as innocent as a kitten. Mom, has KE been genetically engineered?

The Olden Days Part Gazillion

2011-08-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

KU: So what did you do in the olden days, mom?
Me: What are you wanting to know (thinking I'm not getting sucked into this sandtrap again!)
KU: Well, like what did you do when you were bored?
Me: Well, I helped my mother with the laundry. Or I did the dishes. Or I cleaned the bathroom.
KU: I don't believe that mom.
Me: Why not ( I ask innocently)
KU: Because those are all things that you want me to do
KA: Yeah, I think she is using reverse psychology on us. Don't fall for it. Protect yourself.
KU: No, mom, seriously, what did you do?
Me: Okay, I went out and rode my bike
KU: Did bikes look like they do today?
Me: Of course
KU: What you are saying is IMPOSSIBLE
Me: Why is that?
KU: They hadn't invented the wheel yet.

Drawback of Scotland

2011-07-28T01:58:00.001-07:00

Me: Maybe we should move to Scotland
KA: I like the American way of life
Me: What exactly is the American way of life
KA: Swimming pools, movie stars and not walking around so much
Me: So you are saying that you like just sitting around doing nothing and living your life through the rich and famous?
KA: Exactly. This other stuff is hard work!

Walking with KA Conversation 2

2011-06-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

Walking with KA Conversation 2

KA: So mom when we get home are you going to step on that thing

Me: What thing?

KA: You know the thing that makes you cry and lie

Me: What are you talking about?

KA: You know that thing that tells you what you weigh and then you cry and moan and then say "I won't eat ice cream the rest of the week"...and then you do. And then you cry harder the next week and then the whole thing starts over again.

Me: You mean the scale

KA: Yep that it. Why won't you get on it? Are you afraid it will break? I saw something about truck scales weighing things that were big. Do you think you might want to try one of those?

Walking with K

2011-06-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

Walking with KA:

Me: Why won't you read Harry Potter?

KA: It has cats

Me: So what. What is the problem with cats?

KA: I don't like them. They remind me of something that is pure evil

Me: What is that?

KA:KE.

Me: KE is NOT evil.

Karson. Okay but she does scratch like a wild cat. Sometimes I think she is really just an evil cat just like that woman/cat in Harry Potter. That is why I don't read books about cats or Harry Potter because they remind me of her.

The Oldness Remover Invention

2011-05-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

KU: Mom, you just had a birthday, right.

Me: Yes, KU

KU: And you didn’t like it because you are so old

Me: Something like that

Kullen: Well, I have an invention that might help

Me: So what is it

KU: It is an invention that removes oldness

Me: Really . How does it work?

KU: You put the person in one end of this big box and when they come out the other end they are younger

Me: Does that mean I would be your age when I came out

KU: You can’t expect miracles. Nothing can remove that much oldness.

Me: Thanks son. So how much oldness could it remove?

KU: About 60 years

Me: Kullen I am only 50. Thanks again.

KU leaves the room and comes back a minute later

KU: I thought of a better invention

Me: What’s that?

KU: a machine that snatches back your words before someone else hears them

Me: That’s a great idea. It might even save your live someday.

KU: That’s why I thought of it.

Mr. Talks Alot

2011-05-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

Me: KA you can't be doing things like that. Other people don't like it.

KA: But mom I'm an adorable boy

Me: KA, I think you are adorable but not everyone else on the planet does

KA: Why not?

Me: It's called love, KA. Love makes the people who love you think you are adorable when others who don't love you may not think so

KA: Okay, well then I am just cute....actually I am a little too cute. I think sometimes I am so cute someone might kidnap me.

Me: That is why you need to stay close to your parents and not go off on your own.

KA: I think I do have one thing going for me if I am kidnapped

Me: What is that, Karson.

KA: I talk alot. That might make them give me back.

Me: It's a definate possibility, son. A definate possibility.

THoughts on Turning 50

2011-05-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

- So How Does It Feel Turning 50?
  
  Frankly, it sucks but it is better than dying in the toilet with your pants down. I mean at this age the probability of that happening increases with every trip too the bathroom.
  
  Turning 50 makes you grumpy. It becomes a perpetual state of being because everything gets even bigger than when you were in your forties. Your medical bills, your waist size, and your appetite. Even your ears get longer...and why? What exactly is the point of having bigger ears at this point in one's life? I really don't want to hear the normal everyday crap. Frankly, I just want to tune my kids constant arguing out. I really don't have a need for longer ears at this point in my life but I suppose since I have two they will just match my not-so-perky breasts. Yep, their giddy-up-and-go, to my dismay, turned into how low will you go? And need I remind you that your feet also get bigger. Why so you can trip over them and break a hip? Oh yeah, and your nose also grows. Really! I already paid for one nose job does this mean I will need another...and at this age vanity about one's appearance is just not attractive. You may raise, nip and tuck but you certainly don't talk about it.
  
  Another not so pleasant aspect of turning 50 is that you develop gas...bad gas. The roll down your window down for 5 minutes, blow fresh-ar-in-your-face kind. The "ewww are we driving by a dairy or something?" kind of farts. It's then that you realize that your only option to prevent cow comparisions are to live on foods such as liver and onions and tomato juice. Nasty digusting foods but luckily your taste buds are also going on the fritz so suddenly silk worms seem palatable.
  
  And did I mention hot flashes? The kind that can light up New York City. The kind that mean you have to wash your sheets on a daily basis. I don't know about you but I kind of feel like at this age the laundry should be getting less and not growing into monsterous unending piles
  of drugery.
  
  Fifty is when you start thinking your cellulite looks good compared to the rest of you. It's when chin hairs become a topic of conversation...though I might add that I really know nothing about the subject...I've only heard about it from the "bloomer" crowd.
  
  You also start considering your options for funerals and do complex calculations to determine if buying the plot now is more cost effective than waiting for when its needed. And if you are smart you leave written instructions instead of letting your kids decide you look good in red when you know all it does is make you look all washed up and out. So in order to avoid this type of embarrassment I have planned my funeral down to my last breath. It will go something like this if I have my way about it:
  
  First of all I want a tape played at my funeral. "THought You Got Rid Of Me, Did You? You didn't think a controlling person like me would go that easily without having the last word, did you? Really? And I will tell everyone those pearls of wisdom I gleaned like "Marge, you know how you always thought those honking horns that happened when you weeded the yard were for that perpetual smile you had plastered on your face? They weren't. Honey, its because when you bend over like that you have plumbers butt and everyone was really just saluting the moon."
  
  Oh and that nude picture taken of me when I was 22....I want it blown up to 20x40 size and placed in the church hall. I should have loved and appreciated that "hot mama" body then not 30 years later. And on the napkins I want printed 'Girls take tons of bikini shots when you are in your 20's...you will never look better and you will never regret it.'
  
  The pallbearers? Well, I want them to be cabana boys in speedos with purple bow ties who then return after I am in the hearse to serve the ladies at the reception. I didn't get them when I was a live so I want my friends to enjoy them compliments of me. Leave plenty of $1 bills out on the table for the girls!
  
  Music. Hymns...I think not. I will be making a compilation of my favorite songs. I do know that I want LOLA by the Kinks blasting the roof off the church.
  
  Casket. Well, I want Kullen to draw cartoons all over my 'Eternal Rest in Peace' box. And I want him to leave space for my friends and loved ones to write whatever they want. Sharpies of all colors to be provided.Be sure to write something that will cause a scandal. I never caused enough of them in life so I want something really juicy in death. Then after the burial I want someone to take my ashes (yes I still want the headstone) and bury them somewhere out in the great beyond. Then in 20 years send my grandkids on a round the world scavenger hunt for my urn. Whomever finds it gets my charred remains plus $20,000 and pretty good deal if you ask me.
  
  Now about my final resting place. After all this geneological work and realizing I have not had the benefits of castles and such that my late relatives did, so, in death I wish to be treated like the princess I was meant to be. Like Diana I want my body placed on an island where people have to take 5 minutes out of their busy lives and row out to see me. A pit toilet should be within an easy 2 minute walk as I want there to be no excuse for anyone peeing on my grave. In this vein I think an appropriate epitath would be "THe Toilet Is To The Left" or maybe a slot where visitors can deposit a quarter to use the loo and the words "See You Can Take It With You esp When You Control The Toilet Paper!" Other considerations are "Now What In The Hell Do You Want?" or "Leave Me The Hell Alone...Can't You See I am Sleeping!"
  
  I am counting on you. And don't let Dad plan my funeral because there would be three long boring hymns, rolls smothered in butter and mayo with turkey stuffed inside with lime jello on the side.You know, standard Midwest funeral food. Even though that sounds better than my actual cooking I want people to get a good meal...they never got one when I was alive! Splurge on a caterer.
  
  Finally, for goodness sakes take my pictures down before Dad starts dating. No woman should have to walk into a house and see some dead woman staring back at her. And make sure she knows the Toll House Cookie Recipe by heart because I have come to the conclusion that this one thing is truly the secret to a happy marriage!

Wrinkles

2011-05-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

KU:Mom why do you waste your time ironing my clothes?

Me: (Yes, why do I... by the time you get dressed it already looks like a truck ran over it) Because I am a mom that cares about her kids

KU: Why don't you just iron my clothes when they are on me?

Me: Because putting a hot iron on a child is called child abuse and I don't want to hurt you.

KU: So wouldn't it be cheaper to iron all the wrinkles out of your face than to get that shot? It would take longer to get all the wrinkles but you would save a lot of money.

Chest Hair

2011-04-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

Karson has his chest sticking out and his body in a contorted position.
Me: What are you doing, Karson?
Karson: I am watching and waiting for my chest hair to grow.

After posting this on Facebook my friend writes
If my husband stuck his head out, would his hair grow back?

Be Careful Asking Questions Around Karson

2011-04-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

At church today the minister has all the children up front for the Children's Service. She asks the kids what "alleeluja" means. Karson responds "It is what you say when you strike gold." She responds "I think you are thinking of Eureka!" He then asks her "What do eggs have to do with Christ anyway?" This is followed by "And what is the bunny stuff all about?" I just don't get that!" Of course by now the entire congregation is cracking up.

Traditions in the US of A

2011-04-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

I will confess I am a terrible friend as well as a wife. But let no one say I don't know how to put together a good joke.

Our friends from the Chech Republic were going to say goodbye to Dave as they wouldl be leaving tomorrow. I told them that it was a tradition in the United States that when you say goodbye you give the person a big hug and then you kick them in the ass (literally) Further, if you don't do this they will feel horrible because it meant that your guests did not have a good time and will not come back.

So Dave comes downstairs and Marie says, "Dave we will not see you in the morning so I must say good-bye now." So Marie walks up to Dave, she hugs him and then kicks him in the butt. Dave, good-natured that he is looks a little confused but laughs. Then Petr walks up to Dave gives him a big hug and kicks him in the ass too. Of course by now I am laughing so hard that they all know that something has happened that I am responsible for. I have to tell you we all almost wet our pants laughing at the new American tradition that has been started at our house.

Beets

2011-04-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

In preparation for our upcoming trip to Scotland I have been working on our family trees through Ancestry.com Recently we have found we are related to many Kings and Queens from France, England, the Netherlands, etc. Needless to say this has provoked many interesting conversations around our house.
Karson: Beets? Beets? You know I don't like beets.
Me: You are going to have to try them. They will taste great.
Karson: I know what happened to the kings in our family
Me: What
Karson: Their mothers fed them beets
Me: Eating beets has never killed anyone
Karson: Want to make a bet? I bet if you analyzed their stomach contents you would find beets.
Me: Why Do you think that?
Karson: Anything can be hidden in beets
(Not to be outdone) Kullen: Yeah the color hides everything
Karson: I am sure they were poisoned with beets
Me: Doubtful. Who would want to poison them?
Karson: THeir mothers
Me: WHATTTTTTTTT? No mothers would poison their children.
Karson: Oh yes they would
Me: COme on Karson. You are letting your imagination run away with you
Why would a mother do that?
Karson: Because they want the power.
Me: What?
Karson: Women didn't have power. And they wanted it. It's been that way through history. Mothers always want to find a way to control their children. You can't deny it can you?! And beets were the way to power.
Me: You will still be eating your beets.
Karson: Drats. I thought this little history lesson would change my history with beets.
Me: No way, dude.

Break Time

2011-03-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but for me helping my kids with their homework is about to do me in. Really...you don't know the answer even though you just told it to me not 10 seconds ago? Really....you don't get that the problem you just did was like the 50 before it only with different numbers? Needless to say, I never had a calling to teach, so why, I ask myself during the long arduous homework marathon, am I the one always sitting here helping with the homework? Finally, I think I have an answer to the question. I have concluded that homework is a test from God. She figures if you can work for ten minutes with your own little darling, the one you gained 50 pounds carrying and the one you have given up any hope of finding even a smidgen of privacy from; if you can do math without choking them at minute seven then you can probably fit in with just about anyone who you might bump into around heaven. Unfortunately, I have been failing the test lately. I can only hope God in her infinite wisdom gives you a 2000 out of 3000 chance to prove yourself. Still, as it stands now, after five children, the odds are against me.

Last week while helping KU with his homework I began to feel my knees start shaking at minute three, a full-blown headache arrived by minute four and by minute five I began to wonder if a glass of wine might help even if it was at 3:30 p.m. Then, right before my body began to slide under the table my usually very un-astute eight- year-old son looked at me and said, "Mom you look like you need a break. I find that they really help release the tension. Why don't you go and take one now and I will call you back in five minutes or when I need your help, whatever comes first."

And it was in that moment that I realized that God really was looking out for me but more importantly she was looking out for him. God knows when we need a break and sends others to tell us. Sometimes we have to look to find them and other times they are standing right before us. Either way, sometimes we just need to be reminded to treat ourselves and the ones we love with kindness and compassion by taking a break from those things that are doing us in for the moment or over time. Big break or little one it really doesn't matter just as long as you allow yourself the gift of breaking in life to attend to your own needs.

Betty Davis Eyes

2011-03-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

The things your kids share with you in the car.

KA: I think it would be awesome to be able to read someone's mind.

Me: Why is that

KA: Because you could do all sorts of wonderful things for them like buy them the puppy they have always wanted.

Me: KA, you are the one who wants a puppy

KA: I'm just saying...you know there would be one time when it wouldn't be so good to know what someone is thinking.

Me: When would that be?

KA: When they are sitting on the toilet going to the bathroom. I mean the things that go through your mind when you are on the toilet...well they are just not things you want others to know

Me: Is that why you spend 30 minutes at a time in the bathroom?

KA: Might be

Two minutes later

KA just earned a reward of new Pokemon cards. As he opens the pack "Ah, the sweet smell of goodness and evil all wrapped up in one."

Scotch

2011-03-17T10:51:00.001-07:00

From KA: What do you mean the Scottish don't speak Scottish. The English speak ENglish. The French speak French. Koreans speak Korean. How come the Scottish don't speak Scotch?

Me: Scotch is a drink, honey.

KA: Well I guess I'll have to take up drinking so I can understand them."

Dittites

2011-03-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

Dave to our 6 yo daughter: "KE, who is our President?"
KE : "O'rock Obama."

KA to tutor " When my mom and Ky talk there are a lot of exclamation points and very few periods."

THE "FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" LIST

2011-02-23T00:38:00.001-08:00

I don't know about you but as a mom there seems to be some sort of invisible list that hangs over my head, flapping in the breeze to remind me of its presence. THE LIST consists of all the things my kids must do at least once so that I can check off one more box that assures me that I AM A GOOD MOM. Trying new food. The latest, brocolli....check. Yearly pictures at Sears...oops missed that one...but now that I am aware of that fact by next Tuesday it will be done...semi-check. Playing the piano...okay not ready for Carnegie Hall but does know where middle C is located...check. Now Dave is the sports minded one in our family but because two of our three children get crazed if something as small as an ant touches them trying to knock out the numerous athletic activies...well, its a challenge. If I had my druthers I would just scratch that whole section off THE LIST as several family members consider high quality endurance sports akin to laying on the couch and dipping ruffled potato chips into dip. (the endurance part comes when you have to turn the chip around and dip again being careful not to double-dip) But I have a fear that scratch outs might just not get you into heaven so I persist in introducing my kids to new sports knowing in my heart of hearts that is what all GOOD moms do. This is what lead us to the Gateway Ice Skating rink yesterday afternoon where the kids attempted ice skating for the first time.

I will admit that sometimes it seems as though it takes a while for my kids to get comfortable with new activities. First we have to check out each and every toilet in the entire facility. If the seat is comfortable then my kids might give it a try. If not, we are OUTTA there.

Next comes that vending machines. If they have anything gluten free and casesin free then no matter what comes next the day will be considered a success.

Finally, throw in a 16 yo cashier who is making minimum wage but will answer every one of the 20,000 questions through at them about the history of the sport, the equipment used and the rules of the sport, then participation is a definite maybe. Better yet, if the cashier can quote numerous safety statstics; then its a go. Yes, even contemplating sports can be an exhausting endeavor.

So after spending 1/2 hour tying and re-typing the skates, using the bathroom...again... and learning to walk on blades the time had come for the kids to make their way onto the ice. If, as the old adage goes, you can smell fear; then the fumes around our family was the pungent odor that follows you about three hours after eating grandma's chili. You just couldn't shake it. Feet started going every which way but forward and the sound of buttoms slapping the ice...HARD... reverberated throughout the arena. To top it off, I pulled my back out trying to hold up one child while falling down with another. Mom was done and judging from the little faces surrounding me, the vending machine owner was about to become a very rich man.

Kullen put a brave face on and after once around decided taking his hands off the railing was more to his liking. Kellis whined until her daddy escorted her like the princess she is around the rink. But I knew all was lost in regards to Karson when he spent 1/2 hour going 1/2 around the rink with his toes turned in towards the wood paneling the entire time. Never have a seen a child so happy as when he took his blades off the ice. After exiting the rink he looked up at me and said, "Well, those were absolutely the worst minutes I have ever spent in my entire life!" And needless to say, his assessment didn't get any better except until Dave bought hot chocolate.

Later, on the way home, Karson talked about the experience. His take? "Well, I am glad that is over. I did it once, it's a no go and thank goodness I will never have to do that again. Now, mom, what else can we cross of your list of things I have to do?"

"What list?"

"You know, the one that you have that makes me try everything for my own good even though we both know I am going to hate it. So really, this list is really about you. Why don't we just leave it at that!"

And with that he was done. But I'm not. I want to know how he knew about THE LIST?

...And The Ending Never Comes

2011-02-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

The other day a friend on FB talked about reading with her son and how all his questions made her want to stab herself in the eye. I totally get that because there is nothing worse than someone who:
A. Fancies themselves an editor and wants to re-write the story in Vulcan and of course not knowing a word of Vulcan decides you must
B. Doesn't understand Rule # 215 of reading which is one person reads at a fairly rapid clip while adding appropriate silly voices while the other person shuts-up, sits still and just LISTENS.
Now obviously, if you know my son, you know he does not understand rule #215 or any of the 214 Reading Rules that come before it. Witness a conversation that we once had several years ago as I began to read Goldilocks and The Three Bears.

Me: "Once upon a time there were three bears."
KA: "How do you know there were three bears, Mommy?"
Me: " Because that story is named Goldilocks and the THREE Bears.
KA: "What about if two other bears were lost in the forest so there were really five bears?"
Me: "Son, it's THREE bears. It's not the eight bears or the five bears. It's the THREE bears.
KA:"Yeah, you are probably right. Bears often have twins but not three cubs."
"Great," I think to myself. Can we finish now?
Me: "Once upon a time there was a Poppa bear, a Momma bear and a wee little bear."
KA: "Mom, that cannot be right. Male bears do not stay with the female bears and their cubs."
Me: "Well, in this story it did, son."
KA: "Well, it is not accurate then."
Me: "Son, it is a FAIRY TALE. It is not suppose to be accurate."
KA: "Why not? Don't the Fairies speak English?"
Me: "Honey, fairy tales are fun stories they don't have to have really happened."
KA: 'So they are lies? Why would they tell kids lies?"
Me: "Because Walt Disney wanted to build a theme park to make them happy."
KA: "That sounds reasonable."
Me: "Can we get back to the story now?"
KA: "Sure mommy."
Me: "Okay so there was the Pappa bear, the Momma bear and the Baby bear."
KA: "But Mom..."
Me: "Okay, for the sake of clarity," I hissed, "The Poppa Bear joined the Million Man March which taught him that to be a real man he needed to stay with and help provide for his young."
KA: "Mom?"
Me: "WHAT????????????"
KA: "Mom this is a boring book. May I go to bed now?"

Seriously, I think Robin and I need to "read" sign language books to our kids.

Pivital Moments

2011-02-17T08:28:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping and KA was with me. As I told him to follow me back to the fitting rooms he looked at me with horror on his face and said, "Oh gross, I don't want to see you nude."
"Well, son," I replied "I wasn't going to let you into the room with me. I was going to have you park it here in this chair."
"Thank goodness," he said. " I think that could have been a piviotal moment in my life that could have turned out really bad; kind of like a nightmare that never ends!"

Critical Mass

2011-02-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

KA spends inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom. He goes there to think and ponder life while doing his duty. The problem with all this thinking is that it doesn't leave time for contemplating the amount of toilet paper that is being used per dump. This results in massive backups in the plumbing system.

Today I am thinking that KA pooping has reached Critical Mass...number of trees left on earth x amount of toilet paper used by son = mass extinction of humankind.

Can someone find me a plunger....AGAIN!!!!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME #5,796,823 Or DON"T TAKE FOOD FROM MY KIDS

2011-02-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just shake my head and surrender. I mean,sometimes, there is just nothing else to do but that. Today was one of those days

So I am downstairs with KU when he says to me, "Mom, KA dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"That's too bad," I said.

"But Mom, he dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"Did he flush it?" I ask.

"No"

"So where is it?"

"KA has it"

"KA," I yell at the top of my lungs, "Come down here please."

"Okay Mom"

"KA did you drop your pack of gum in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom, I did"

"So where is it?"

"Right here," he says pulling it out of his pocket.

Then it dawns on me....

"KA, is the gum you are chewing, the gum you dropped in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom"

Tutor Taylor and I just stare at each other, incredulous, until she recovers and says "KA gum that has been in the toilet has germs. Go spit it out right now!"

KA runs to spit it out....then KU follows right behind him and spits his out!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? REALLY????? After that lollipop incident in the pit toilet? Didn't you learn anything then?????????? Granted you were only 5 but PLEASSSSSSE that is one of the lessons that should never be a repeat.

"KA, why did you think it was okay to fish your pack of gum out of the toilet?"

"Well, I let it dry out first!"

Remember, the rule......NEVER, EVER, EVER take anything you put in your mouth from my children. NEVER!!!!!!!! Taking anything food from my kids can be hazardous to your health!!!!! Consider this to be a warning and some sort of legal publication!!!!

A Dinner COnversation

2011-02-12T19:11:00.001-08:00

"What happened to Uncle John," asks KA.

"He went to heaven," said Dave.

"It is scientifically impossible for a man to survive in clouds without falling down, " said KA. "I mean a person weighs more than 100 pounds so they couldn't be sitting on clouds."

Dave: "Well, it isn't the body that is up in the clouds it is the spirit. When you die you lose your body which frees your spirit."

"So are all those spirits dodging airplanes up there?," asks KA.

"Spirits are higher than the airplanes," replies Dave.

"So they are dodging all the satellites and space junk?" the young one says.

"No" Dave Replies

"Why not, Dad" says KE

"They don't have to," says the Dad.

THe conversation then steers to the Old Testament vs. The New Testament.

"The Old Testmant is B.C. and the New Testament is A.D," I state.

"Oh, so you mean A.D. is AFTER DINOSAURS and B.C. is BEFORE CAVEMEN," concludes KA.

I Was Mind F***** By My Nine Year Old

2011-01-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

"If one can drown their sorrows in lemon meringue pie than I am surely floating out to sea without a life raft!"~ Me

So today I was called to school because KA was acting up and out. He kept calling out for this stuffed dog, snuggles. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Even kicked his aide which has never happened before. So I went to school armed with cleaning products (natural of course) and a trash bag for picking up leaves to add to my compost pit. Seems this all started because A) I caught KA trying to take his dinosaur book to school and removed it from his backpack B) seems I forgot to give him his medicine. Score two for the Loser Mom of the Year award. So KA is cleaning the tables in the cafeteria and it turns out he is having a great old time and would much rather be doing that than to be in class. Project CLean THe School backfired on me. Hmmmmmm, I have to think of something new to stay one step ahead of him.

So today when he gets home he is still out of sorts and totally misbehaving. Finally, I told him that since he could only talk about snuggles that I would be taking Snuggles and keeping him with me and that if he did a good job at school tomorrow he could have him back; which I might add he went with quite readily which surprised me. So about an hour later his tutor, Amy, is asking him to write down three things he could have done differently at school regarding the SNUGGLES EPISODE. He tells her "Who is Snuggles?" and just starts screwing with her. "I don't know a Snuggles?" "Who is Snuggles again?" "I don't know any snuggles" at which point I mistakenly decide to call his bluff and up the ante. So the next time he says he doesn't know who Snuggles is I say, "Well, since you don't know him I guess it won't matter to you if I take him out to the fire pit and burn him up" to which KA replies "I"ll get the marshmallows!!!!!!!!!!!!" Amy and I look at him dumbfounded. What this is his best friend and he wants to roast him right along with the somores?!!!!!!!!!!

So I try again impressing upon the fact that Snuggles is going to be a heap of ashes when he is done in the fire pit and KA's response is, " Bring on the marshmallows". Now I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I have put my own self there!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH! How can I do this to myself????? When will I ever learn???????????? But I now have no choice but to march Snuggles out to a fiery demise. So up the stairs I climb like a soldier leading a prisoner to the guillotine. And as I hold the doomed dog in my hands looking at Amy with a 'please help me get out of this mess' kind of look; down the stairs comes KU with tears in his eyes.

"You can't burn Snuggles up, you just can't" and the floodgates let loose. "KA loves Snuggles and Snuggles has been a loyal friend."..,..saved by an eight year old. "You are right KU and since KA doesn't care about Snuggles anymore and you have spared his life he is now yours." (Thank you KU. Bless your kind compassionate soul 1000 times over)

To which KA says "Shucks no marshmallows!"

Which means I will not sleep all night as I try to figure this whole situation out and how I should or should not handle future situations because it is obvious I am being mind f----- by a nine year old and I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks Again Son

2011-01-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

Finishing KA's mission project for school.
KA: It's okay mom. Kids think better than the elderly (meaning me!)

Kicking SOme Bunny Bootie

2011-01-28T08:49:00.001-08:00

Not sure if I should be writing about this because not sure I want anything thinking any less of me than you already do (which really should not be hard when I really think about it.) BUT, we are staying at The Palms ( beautiful suites BTW). Now, it just so HAPPENS that The Palms has the only Playboy Bunny Club in the nation and it also just so happens my husband made the reservation to stay at this hotel. Hmmmm is this just purely coincidence or should I by into his story that this hotel had the best rooms for the cheapest price? All I know is that when I pick a hotel I have never picked one that had the words Bunny, Bambi or Thumper in it nor have the rooms had sofas so slick than when you sit on them you slide to the other end. But I regress.

So we decide to head up to the Playboy Club with some friends (but in my husbands defense we only went there because he was given the tickets for free for booking said room...hmmmmm) Well, first of all there was no place to sit down unless you "purchased" a table and spent a lot of money on booze. Strike one.

The drinks were horribly expensive, there were only five Bunnies, and the ratio of past-their-prime men to men-who-might-get lucky was astronomical. My chances of striking it rich on a lottery ticket were looking mighty good in comparison. Strike two.

The Bunnies just stood around talking to themselves and were actually quite rude to the over-the-hill group. But in truth they didn't just single out that group they were rude to just about anyone who dared to interrupt their Bunny Chatter. They posed with the nice guys who just wanted a picture to remember their Wild Night In Las Vegas so when they were 90 and drooling on themselves they could think about The Good Old Days. And after every pose they had a look on their face like they deserved hazard pay. They were the kind of girls that expected men to be so dazzled by their beauty and thought they were so special that the only men they would talk to were the ones with big diamonds on their fingers. You know the kind...think back to high school.

So we stayed about 20 minutes and right before we were going to leave I asked a Bunny if she would pose for a picture with my MAN (I mean every man needs proof if only in his dreams that he has been to the Playboy Club once in his life (and believe me he will ONLY be there once! LOL!) So she gets this tight look on her face kind of like she is ready to rip a big one and is trying to hold it in. I snap the picture and she steps back with "the look" which made me get out mine. "Listen here, _____, " I am thinking in my head. "My man is HOT and you had better treat him that way. Twenty four years of marriage and five kids later he is still the sexiest thing in the room. Who do you think you are? I should just tear your scrawny ass bunny ears off of the top of your head and rip the tail off your hinnie. You didn't know it but you were standing right next to the dictionary definition of a GREAT MAN AND HUSBAND. He's a man who has sacrificed for his family on a daily basis. He's been a leader for our kids activities and has inspired all of us to do better ( which is why I am not beating your bad-ass-Bunny ass right this moment). He has helped those in need and has been a coach cheering the last-kid-picked onto victory. You don't know it but you were just standing next to a gem...a 24 carat gold upstanding man. And that, my dear, is why your and your nest of rabbits, are now, and will forever be, referred to as nothing more than DUMB BUNNIES!

Justification Is Just A Small Part Of It

2011-01-28T08:47:00.001-08:00

For the first time ever, KA, kicked his tutor when he had that meltdown at school a week ago. Today in the car we told him that he needed to write that apology letter to her that he has been procrastinating about writing.

KA: Mom, it would be in HER best interest for me not to write the letter.

Me: Why is that, KA?

KA: "Wouldn't that just be confusing to her for me to write a letter like that after I already apologized in person?"

Yep, nice of you to be so concerned about her welfare son. Too bad you were not when you kicked her.

More Conversations In The Car

2011-01-28T08:46:00.001-08:00

Dave and I are talking about the scientist who is wanting to clone a Woolly Mammoth.

KA from the back of the car: "I hear you."

"Okay, you hear us so what do you think?"

KA: " Really, they need to clone a herbavoire not a carnavoire; Preferably something small because they cause less destruction. A woolly mammoth would probably be okay because it is a herbivore.

"Well, what about if they cloned a dragon"

"Well, if they cloned a dragon it would have to be a herbvious dragon but frankly, it is a bad idea because they breath fire. I would really suggest to this man that they clone something small and one that eats insects because there are way to many insects in the world. It needs to be some type of omnivorous creature."

Later

KA "There is a thing I just don't understand. "

Me :Yeah most people don't understand nuclear fusion or stuff like that (thinking we are going to have some sort of big revelation.)

KA: "Why do they say violets are blue when they aren't."

Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"

KA: "You know Roses are red, Violets are blue. They aren't blue they are violet like the name. Who comes up with these things, anyway?"

MeltDown Doesn't Mean a Grilled Cheese

2011-01-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

Three meltdowns in three weeks at school...another today. Trying to manipulate and control....KA no longer has any books in his room and will eat a PB&J for dinner and will have to earn his books back. He has been sitting in the car for 1/2 hour because he refuses to come in. Should I take him a pillow and blanket? UUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sticky Sleeping

2011-01-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

“When I was sleeping I forgot to chew,” was the explanation KA gives when he woke up with gum throughout his hair and all over the bed. Like an old horse, he must have rolled in it.I guess we will be going to the barber later today after hacking hunks of hair off his head this morning.

Ghandi He Is Not

2011-01-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

So sitting around the dinner table we began to discuss KA Mission project that is due next week. His is the architecturally complex one. I am looking at this monstrosity of a looming project and had an idea.

"KA, I think you should refuse to do a mission as a protest. Why does the state continue to glorify a history of missions that were built through slavery,coercion, and death of the native peoples of the area? Really. I mean it was a horrid time in history. I say you just write a paper about the atrocities suffered rather than glorify a building that is the symbol of human suffering."

"Because mom, I don't think I will get extra credit if I do it your way."

So much for teaching about standing up for what is wrong. Oppression 101-FAIL!!!! Ghandi he is not!

I Think I Will Saw Off My Head With A Butter Knife

2011-01-12T22:25:00.000-08:00

All this in a 24 hour period

So we are on the way to social skills group this morning (not for me I might add!) when out of the blue KU asks, "Why don't you homeschool mom?"

Me: "Well, son why do you think I don't home school?"

KU: "You aren't smart enough?"

Me: " Thanks son."

Later I told him it was because I don't have the patience that a teacher has and when you teach someone you have to have a lot of patience.

Five minutes later I get this.

KA arrives at social skills group and tells me he wants his zuzu pet that is in the car. As we are walking out he says, "THere is one problem it has something wrong with the batteries."

Me: "That's okay, KA you can just push it along with your hands."

KA: "That's what they did in the older days when you were a kid. They didn't have moving parts back then.

So in a space of seven minutes I have gone from feeling young and hip (as much as someone pushing 50 can) to feeling old and stupid. Thanks boys!

THe Next DAY

In the store looking for Mommie clothes size L. I pick something up to look at it and say, " This looks a little small." KE replies, " So do you need a size HUGE?"

Thanks daughter.

Now in one 24 hour period I am really old, stupid and HUGE according to my kids. I think I will take a dull knife to myself so I can prolong the pain and agony!

The Love Dove

2011-01-12T22:20:00.001-08:00

Today at church Pastor Stephanie was talking about when Jesus was baptized by John and the dove appeared. So KA in his infinite wisdom said, "So that was the love dove, right?!"

The Tutor and I Were Mind F***** By A Nine Year Old

2011-01-12T22:18:00.001-08:00

So today I was called to school because K was acting up and out. He kept calling out for this stuffed dog, snuggles. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Even kicked his aide which has never happened before. So I went to school armed with cleaning products (natural of course) and a trash bag for picking up leaves to add to my compost pit. Seems this all started because A) I caught KA trying to take his dinosaur book to school and removed it from his backpack B) seems I forgot to give him his medicine. Score two for the Loser Mom of the Year award. So KA is cleaning the tables in the cafeteria and it turns out he is having a great old time and would much rather be doing that than to be in class. Project CLean THe School backfired on me. Hmmmmmm, I have to think of something new to stay one step ahead of him.

So I try again impressing upon the fact that Snuggles is going to be a heap of ashes when he is done in the fire pit and Karson's response is bring on the marshmallows. Now I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I have put my own self there!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH! How can I do this to myself????? When will I ever learn???????????? But I now have no choice but to march Snuggles out to a fiery demise. So up the stairs I climb like a soldier leading a prisoner to the guillotine. And as I hold the doomed dog in my hands looking at Amy with a 'please help me get out of this mess' kind of look; down the stairs comes KU with tears in his eyes. "You can't burn Snuggles up, you just can't" and the floodgates let loose. "KA loves Snuggles and Snuggles has been a loyal friend."..,..saved by an eight year old. "You are right Kullen and since KA doesn't care about Snuggles anymore and you have spared his life he is now yours." (Thank you KU. Bless your kind compassionate soul 1000 times over)

To which KA says "Shucks no marshmallows!"

Poems by KA ( Yes, I am a proud momma!)

2010-12-18T22:36:00.000-08:00

Someone in this family ate an autism sandwich for breakfast yesterday as well as one this morning. May G*d help us all...esp. the poor teacher!!!~Cheryl

Two poems by KA

Autumn By KA

Two rabbits, you can see,

Jumping high into a tree.

Weeks have passed, so far I've seen,

Leaves, the color of red and orange, not green.

Another week passed and a warm day arrived,

Bees are filling up their hive.

Another week has passed, say, look at the bottom,

Hey, I know this season, it's autumn.

FALL BY KA

A flock of geese,

flying south, not north, not east.

When you go into the woods,

be sure to wear a jacket and hood.

Creepy crawlies, so drab and ugly,

turn from hideous into buggly.

Every day the leaves fall down

wolves howl like dogs in a pound.

People, we can see, pull off a leaf,

because they smell so very sweet.

The Christmas List

2010-12-18T22:27:00.000-08:00

Today I was asking the kids what they wanted for Christmas. I explained to them that we were going to scale back our Christmas this year so that they would not be getting much from us. In response, KA says, "that's okay Mom. You already gave me the best gift of all this entire year.

"What is that, KA?"

KA: "Love mom, you gave us love."

And little did he know that was MY Christmas present from the boy to whom emotions are like some uncharted territory as explored by Lewis and Clarke.

Ye,t as wonderful and tear dropping this was

I still wonder....

...what does he really want?????????????

Stuff

2010-12-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I could not remember my log on info for Blogger so that is why I have not been blogging. Here are a few of the tidbits that happened during this time at my house.

Me: KE you have to be nice to your brothers!
KE: Can't we just get rid of them!

My patience has been sorely tested. Can I EVER get the kids out the door without wailing like a banshee!? I mean come on...you know you wear shoes everyday and underwear and socks....don't you!!!!!!!!!!! To which my wonderful friend replies... Yup! I hear you! Why do I have to say, "Brush your teeth IN the bathroom?" Isn't that just a given? And why does, "go get your socks on" sound like, "wander into your room, pick up a toy and play with it until I come yell at you."?????? And why, oh why, do I have to tell you that your shirt/pants/socks are on backwards????

Mars to Earth. Mars to Earth. Do you read me earth? We have an autistic satellite spinning out of control and tossing out non-stop gibberish that the universe is in peril. Repeat the universe is in peril. I think we had better press the RED button and nuke it out of orbit, commander. We don't want this have the same results as the MMR campaign! Shoot it from the sky, NOW!

KA: Girls nature is having pretty hair. A boys nature is to fart! Oh man we are full of it tonight!

Meltdown number 478- "That is the thing that is ruining my day...carrots!"

Taylor the Tutor says:" Please, God, grant me patience."
KU: "Maybe you should say, thank you Lord for sending me this test instead."

That Troublesome Wait

2010-12-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

I sent my 3 yo granddaughter a bedspread and things for her room. I also included her Christmas presents which she promptly opened when her dad was in the shower. So when I called her I asked KAE, "Did you open the presents that Grandma sent you for Christmas?"

"Yes, I did grandma," she replied solemnly.

"KAE you were suppose to WAIT until Christmas."

"But Grandma, my WAIT isn't very good yet."

The End Of The World Is Near

2010-11-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

KU: Mom, when is the end of the world coming?

Me: Why do you ask?

KU: I decided I need to get ready for it.

Me: Well, that is assuming that you believe the end of the world is near. Do you believe that?

KU: Yes

Me: Why do you think that?

KU: Because I invented a machine that could slice from one end of the earth to the other and I am not sure what would happen. I think the two halves would split apart and float in space.

Me: Oh I see so you will bring about the end of the world?

KU: It wouldn't be on purpose. It's just that I don't have the design perfect yet.

Me: Well, KU, you have the choice to make good machines or not so good ones. I hope that you choose to make good ones that help people.

KU: Okay, mom. I'll do that.

Messy

2010-10-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight we are sitting at the table and the kids are doing their homework when KU starts acting up because he is frustrated. It is the usual frustration that he feels when doing math...it might as well be Greek to him. First he starts making faces, then it escalates to an angry voice, the tears start to flow and then he starts kicking that table. KA looks up from his homework and says "Don't go messing with Mom. I did that once and it wasn't pretty!"

KU Quip

2010-10-15T08:03:00.002-07:00

KU: I wish my sister had a mute button!

2010-10-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend I told the boys that we needed to send Uncle Mark an email. Uncle Mark is currently serving as a Chaplain over in Afghanistan. I always think it is interesting how while both boys have autism their take on things is so different from one another; proving once again that Autism comes in different shapes and forms. KA is 9 yo and KU is 8 yo.

Dear Uncle Mark from KU:

Hope you are having a good time. Is it hot or is it cold? Have you had any battles yet? It's me, KU.

Dear Uncle Mark from KA:

War is hell.

Me: KA, first of all I think that we should not say war is hell.

KA: Why not?

Me: Well, for one Uncle Mark is over there and it seems like it probably isn't the best thing to say. And number two, Uncle Mark is a minister and he probably doesn't like you using the word Hell.

KA: Why not?

Me: It's just an hunch. So can you think of something else to say?

KA: Okay, how about war is something very cruel and bloody. So if you feel like you have to throw up, you are probably not the only one. Actually, I would throw up if I saw war. But even if you are in a war you have your rights.Don't forget that. Love KA.

Yep, different boys, different takes on life.

Two Minutes And Counting Until The Bus Arrives

2010-10-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

I absolutely HATE school mornings. They go something like this.

Where is your homework folder...I don't know...How could you not know? You put it in your backpack last night...but I looked at it this morning...where did you look at it....I dunno. Okay, where is your lunchbox...I dunno...Did you get it off of the kitchen counter like I told you to do?... What kitchen counter?... The one in the castle out in back. Ask the cook for it....But you are the cook...Yes, I am and obviously the keeper of the lunchbox. No, my teacher keeps it so I don't lose it. Okay, well tell your teacher to come over here so we know where your lunchbox is... Mom, I need you to sign this. I need a cake for school... Today? You need a cake today...I think so...Give me that note!... KU....where are your shoes? ....I dunno...KU the bus is going to be here in two minutes. You need to get your shoes on. Where are they?Are you kidding me? I told you 30 minutes ago to put on your shoes and now you are asking me where they are now?.... KA, go upstairs and brush your hair...I did last night...well it's morning now so do it now...but you don't shave your legs in the night and then in the morning...but I should, so go upstairs and brush your hair. And your teeth....Why?.... On God help me keep what little sanity I have left!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and this picture shows exactly how I feel in the morning except it would be my body under that bus!!!!

Homework Globlins

2010-09-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

I recently heard that we have a budget crisis in our educational system. Districts are selling their souls to fast food conglomerates in order to save money now at the expense of our kids health in the future. But have no fear, Cheryl's here. As it turned out I stumbled upon this idea early this morning while trying to deliver the kids to the bus on time and in one piece (hard labor is an easier task) without me pulling all my hair out or diving under the tires of fast moving mini van for a momentary reprieve. And if the truth be known, I really must confess that hate this part of the school year. There are no holidays to give you a break from the homework demons and winter solstice seems a million miles away. Yes, at this point in the school year the only thing a parent can look forward to is catching the flu to get out of being on homework duty.

I have also noticed by this time of the year the novelty of school has worn off for all involved. Involuntary twitching can be seen in teachers everywhere, parents recite times tables in their sleep while Jr. can't remember that any number times zero is ZERO, and our children's homework papers are crammed into their backpacks intertwined with last week's school notices that never made it home. The Return To School and the Keep At School sections of the homework notebook have become a mishmash of writing that is barely legible but could definitely qualify for an A in Swahili. In addition, the right corner of my son's backpack holds last weeks peanut butter and jelly sandwich which lays limply; growing mold for some science project that is due in 2012. But even worse than all that is that around this time of year it marks the return of The Homework Thief. You know him. He stars in the daily early-morning soap; The Case Of The Missing Homework. And he never fails to show up especially the morning after a night spent in Homework Hell. Count on it. Spend two hours working with your child on homework and the next morning it is impossible to locate. This despite your reiterating rule number # 632 "Put your homework in your backpack", which, you have undoubtedly said 632 times that evening. Sometime between midnight when you haul yourself into bed and the 6 am torture of packing lunches, ironing clothes, checking teeth making a hearty breakfast for your spawn; The Homework Thief sneaks into the house and steals your child's homework so you can look like the negligent parent who parks his ass in front of the TV all night and tells his kid to tell the teacher "the dog ate it."And it never fails that during parent teacher conference you see the teachers whispering as you pass by now and forever to be labeled Loser Mom of the Universe (LMU).

But today I had enough. Tired of being pegged as a SPAM (slacker posing as mom) or a LMU I decided to fight back and protect what shred of dignity I had left after my son's rendition of the now infamous What We Did On Summer Vacation report. Head held high I sent my son's teacher an email this morning. It read:

Dear Mr. F: Last night KA did his homework (with me suffering right along with him for two hours!) and this morning it is gone. Instead of putting his folder in his backpack when completed as he was instructed to do;once again The Homework Thief has broken into our house and removed his work. UGH. I guess you will have to duct tape KA to the wall as an example to all the other students!

Hmmmm, SPAM mom, I think not. From now on I think I wish to be known as a DIMWIM type of mom (don't intentionally mess with ME). If only more parents took this approach instead of the "don't punish my child just because he is irresistible and irresponsible"the world would be a better place and schools would become safer. Therefore, in keeping with the tradition of innovative school practices I propose this.... duct tape. Better than a hall monitor or an assistant principal whose sole duty is to impose educational justice on slacker kids; at just $2.99 it is a school district's dream come true. 101 uses for duct tape, I think not. Why limit yourself when 102 will do.

Laundry Days

2010-09-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but I HATE doing the never-ending chore of laundry. And I have no problem sharing those beliefs with others. Everyone who knows me knows I hate doing laundry. In fact, I have my own theory regarding laundry...it is definitely tied in with Karma or at the very least Heaven and Hell. In the first case I am convinced the more "bad" you did in your past life the more laundry you do in this life. If this is indeed the case I must have been personally responsible for spreading the black plague throughout Europe. If on the other hand you are a Heaven and Hell believer I hate to inform you but if you do not repent it is likely you will be washing angel wings and polishing tarnished halos for all eternity. And did I mention that there are no washing machines in heaven? Best as I can figure laundry is done the old fashioned way with rocks and a cold stream. I think that in my case, God is giving me practice for where I may very well end up. He is giving me the opportunity to "try it on for size"before I have permanently wrinkled dried up "dish pan" hands. And I have to admit it does make me pause and reconsider some of my actions. Give me fire and brimstone over laundry any day.

And speaking of Karma, I do believe it came around today and bit me in the derriere. This in retaliation for all the bad mouthing of laundry I have done over the years. This vague feeling of uncomfortableness began just after I stepped out of the shower. As the morning wore on I found myself the victim of a strange and elusive butt itch. It wasn't until much later that I finally realized that the burrs and prickers from the Boy Scout camp out laundry had attached itself to my underwear. As a result, certain parts of my anatomy look as if the devil tried to grab me and drag me down to the laundry hell that awaits me downstairs.

Pack Rat Fever

2010-08-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Says my wise husband to my children who are in trouble. "Knowledge costs something but a parents wisdom is free."

This is in reference to the fact that after telling my children 1,386, 798, 452 times NOT to move the glass lizard tank they did. This time they decided to drop it on the Wii Fit platform shattering it into a million pieces. Needless to say we had a huge talk about whether we should keep the lizards as they now had no home and the boys had no money to buy a new one. Finally, Dave told them that he would buy some of their possessions from them so they could earn money for a tank. Well KU brought down his most precious possessions. A picture of him, his artwork, his Statue of Liberty, favorite books, etc. Everything that was near and dear to his heart. KA on the other hand brought down a gum WRAPPER...not even the gum to go with it. After about 5 times upstairs "looking" for things to sell to dad and finding "NOTHING" he could bear to part with; Dad told him to bring down his compendium of THomas The Tank Engine. Well KA fought this all the way. When that didn't work he then tried to control the outcome to his satisfaction.

"Okay, you can have the book," he tells Dave "Provided that I can read it whenever I want."

"No dice, Buddy, It's all or nothing. If it is nothing we let the lizards go."

After much grumbling the book becomes Dave's.

Later that evening we find the book being used as a pillow.

Sometimes giving up is harder than giving in. And sometimes giving in is exhausting.

Pour Thing

2010-08-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

Why is it that my children are bent on destruction? Where does this gene come from? Is there a way to turn it off? Why aren't all the research dollars going to solve this problem? Why does it seem to be MY kids who are always pulling these stunts?

It's a DARN good thing everyone is asleep or mom would be on the warpath. Which son of mine decided it would be a good idea to pour all the sand and stones from the rock polisher down the sink?????????????

Older Than Dirt

2010-08-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

There are days that I can convince myself that I look pretty good for my age. Then one of my kids opens their mouth and says something like:

KU: Mom was George Washington born before you???????????????????
Me: Naw, I grew up with Martha. In fact, those rascals only knew each other three weeks when they married at Martha's estate in Virginia. I was the bridesmaid.

On Being Called GRANDMA When With Your Young Children

2010-08-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

Recently, one of the women that I am on a BB with talked about how strangers were referring to her as Grandma if she was out with her kids. Undoubtedly, that is not the kind of comment that makes you go out and take on the day. At 49, I have had that happen to me several times. So in that vein, if I did all the things it would take to make me look younger I would:

1.Lose more weight (and I just read a study that said skinny people are perceived as older because fatter people's skin stretches and you can't see the lines) So I am carefully looking at my options here and an ice cream sundae that is calling out too me
2. I would lose the van and get a 2 seater sports car (that isn't going to happen anytime soon)
3. have my own personal crane to hoist certain sagging body parts up but that is out of the question because I can't afford the teamsters operators fees for the crane operator.
4. elect to have surgery, surgery, surgery...unfortunately it is all considered elective no matter how many times I have argued with my insurance if you are going to pay for viagra then it is only fair that you pay for a tummy tuck, butt tuck and anything else the doc is willing to tuck. And really, if all us "grandma's" looked that good the Viagra market would tank. Obviously, the BIG PHARMA would NEVER allow that to happen
5. I would hire a couple of old men to walk around and call me "Mom" and everyone will think I look fabulous but I really don't like all the paperwork that would entail unless I could pay them under the table so as to not endanger their social secutirty
6. Pay my kids to call me "sis" while we are out in public but unfortunately I think they would refuse citing the creepiness clause.
7. Divorce my husband and marry Castro so the next time someone said that to me I could yell "Off with their head!" It would certainly make those idiots who say things like that think twice!
8. Yell out "these are my grandchildren? Last time I saw them they had blond hair and blue eyes. What did you do with my other grandchildren? Police! Police!"

So instead of going to all the time and effort of the above I have elected to:

1. Get a shot of botox right between the eyebrows since that large crevice makes me look angry all the time. I don't do the eyes or anything else just that horrid spot that makes me look tired and mean
2. I am considering telling everyone that I am a 65 yo Grandma and then instead of them thinking I look old their perception of me will change immediately and they will tell me how great I look for my age. I am also thinking about carrying around a very expensive jar of face cream that I will sell to them for $300 so they can look as good as I do at (cough, cough) 65.

Okay, I am done. See your sense of humor also gets worse when you get to be my age! So does the dementia!

Been so bad about blogging so here are a few ditties

2010-08-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

Me: Do you want to go outside and look at the stars
Him (who shall remain unnamed) No. But if you want you can watch me pee. It kindof looks like stars are shooting out of there!

From my friend Carla...love this
"You can safely assume that you've created G-d in your own image when it turns out that G-d hates all the same people you do."

As you can tell we had a fluent conversation day yesterday.
KA introducing his sister to a boy " This is my sister KE. She is a drama queen!"

Also:
"Am I being too quiet?"
"No"
"Don't you want to hear my beautiful voice?"

Yesterday on the condition of Kylee's apartment
KU "It looks like a pig style in here almost like a tormato came through here!"

Yesterday:
KU "I want to know how babies are made!"
Amy the tutor "That is something you learn about when you are older."
KU "Never mind I will just Google it."

Someone around here ate an autism sandwich for breakfast!

My "Being Bothered About Stupid Shit" in box is full. Please do not try to fill the box with more STUPID SHIT until the box has been emptied and refurbished sometime in 2040.

‎"Mom your conscience is going to die if you don't start listening to it"- KU .This in response to my putting a jelly bean in my mouth while on a diet. Believe me I have the diet gestapo on my butt around here.

Girls

2010-05-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

So it seems that KU is having some sort of difficulty with a girl at school. He gets frustrated with me because I am not understanding and ask him to explain again to which he replies, "If only you were a GIRL you would understand what I mean!"

Thanks son.

It's Like Herding Cats

2010-05-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

So KA is "herding" the tutors and mom down the street when Taylor says, "What are we cows?"

KA responds " Well you are suppose to keep up with me"

Taylor: " I'm going to stop walking if you are going to call me a cow" to which Karson replies, " Well then I'm going to have to milk you."

Beware of Hazardous Birds

2010-05-25T10:05:00.001-07:00

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TODAY. So we are walking towards the cafeteria to attend KUs poem recital. I ask Dave how his day went. He replies "It was a shitty day." And at that second a bird pooped all over his shirt. I kid you not!

Score One For The Man

2010-05-25T10:02:00.001-07:00

Me: Well I started my diet today
KU: Why?
Me: Because I am too fat
KU: I think you are perfect just the way you are right now.
Me: (thinking to self) This kid is either going to be the greatest con man alive or he is going to become a reincarnate of Richard Simmons and all the women will love him.

I Can't Believe I Just Did That!

2010-05-25T10:00:00.001-07:00

I AM THE LOSER MOM OF THE UNIVERSE!!! I was giving Karson his meds tonight and accidently gave him one of my meds. I HAVE NEVER, EVER done both our meds at the same time before tonight. Called poison control and they said he should be fine. LOSER MOM STRIKES AGAIN!!!

Attacked

2010-05-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I heard KA telling this to KU on the way to school this morning.
KA: She's fierce. I am telling them they don't want to mess with her. She keeps attacking me and I am warning the other kids off. I'm trying to save their lives and their limbs.
Me: KA, if someone is attacking you then you need to tell the principal.
Karson: I CAN'T tell the principal!!!!!
Me: Why not?
Karson: It's my sister!

Love Sick

2010-04-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

So third grader, KA, says to me "How do you know if you love somebody?"
Me: "You mean someone like your mom?"
KA: "No, I mean a girl."
Me: (Thinking "what do you think I'm not a girl? thanks bud!" Which is quickly replaced by "holy crap, you are only 8...I don't want to listen to this...but on the positive side it does answer that question of whether or not he is gay)" Well," I begin, " when you are in love your body feels all tingly when you get near that person and you really just want to be around them all the time because they makes your heart feel good."
KA: (who now drops to the floor and with a big sigh declares) "I guess I'm in love then."

Only My Boys

2010-04-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

So KU's teacher comes out to tell me KU had a "little problem" at school today. Seems he was working on his math paper talking all the while to the girl "next door." He brings his paper up to the teacher and she notices the last three problems have no work shown so she has no way of knowing how he got the answer. She says, "KU, what were you thinking? You have to show your work. Really, what were you thinking here? He looks at her and says "I was thinking that Kim is really good at math and knows all the answers so it would probably be best for me to just to copy her paper." She being the wonderful teacher she is says " Boy that was very brave of you to tell me the truth." So she told him to erase his answers, go back to his seat and re-do the problems this time showing his work.

Thanks Again

2010-03-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

KA: Mom, why do women drink?
Me: So that for 5 minutes they can remember when they were young, gorgeous and carefree.
KA: Mom, I think it will take a lot more than five minutes for you to remember back when you were like that.
Me: Thank you so much son. You are sure dishing out the compliments today!

Mom The Boozer

2010-03-13T12:46:00.001-08:00

KA: Mom did you have a little too much to drink last night?

Me: Why do you ask that?

KA: "Well, lady parties always have alot to drink esp. Amy's lady parties and besides I can see your stomach poking out which means you drank alot of Amy's booze

SPLAT

2010-02-14T23:36:00.001-08:00

We asked KA today if he would like to try skiing. His answer" Is there any point to it or is to to go SPLAT to your death?"

A Most Excellent Politician

2009-12-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

Well, let's just say KA realized within nanoseconds that he would be screwed out of having his own room and he would have to share a room with KU if KY moves back home. In keeping with his autistic"I'm looking out for number one" philosophy he says:

"I'm not sure KY moving back is a good idea"

"Why not, KA?"

"Well, I am very concerned about Sophia (KY's dog) She needs a stable environment and you know Dad will not allow her to live with us. Yep, this is a very bad idea for Sophia." And this conversation continues about why this is a bad idea for Sophia for the next five minutes in various forms. She likes her yard at her home, Bene and her fight in the house, Sophia likes peace and quiet and it would be too hard for her to get used to all the noise.

The Ultimate Indignity

2009-12-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

So today I walk our "someday trainable" dog to the school to pick up the kids. Two other dogs on a leash come up and they all get into a fight. The other owner and I get our dogs collected. One minute later I am bending down petting my dog when the other owner's dog comes up and pees on me!!!! Seriously.

What is it with music these days?

2009-11-22T23:43:00.000-08:00

So today I did something which, frankly, I have never done...I watched about an hour of the AMA awards on television. I really don't watch this sort of stuff because who wants to watch a bunch of drugged out freaky people give themselves awards when, frankly, they already have wayyyy too much time and energy given to them for mostly mediocrity. And watching really just confirmed my view that for the most part those "entertainers" were nothing but a bunch of sold out, sold up folks who are made in the image that the music industry tells us the public wants whether it is the truth or not. I can honestly say that after watching these folks I can tell you they are not what I want to watch, emulate or have my children aspire to. Most of them sing angry sounding songs that promote ugliness, hate and bad behavior. What is up with that? Don't people have enough if that in their lives? I mean really who wants to be brought down any lower? I just don't get it. Why emphasize the negative when these so called "role models" could be promoting the positive. I mean these singers have all the reason in the world to be singing the praises of love, helping others and adoration because that is the life they are living. So unless they are going to help our kids, encourage them and build their confidence I would really rather that they just go home and stop wasting everyone's time and money. If this is truly what the public wants then we should be giving these music lovers a lobotomy so that can truly enjoy the crap that is being promoted by the music industry.

A KA Kind of Day

2009-11-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

We are at Borders and the kids are getting to pick a book. KA is unhappy because I insist that he choose something other than a Star Wars book. He says to his tutor, " I think this is one of Mom's plots to build my character!."

So KA is suppose to show us a test that he didn't do well on and he is trying to bargain with his teacher. He is getting annoyed at her and is probably getting very annoying. He looks at her and says, " I am a very generous boy and I am going to give you another chance to change your mind."

Today I was informed that KA was tested and tested above 98% in all areas and is therefore eligible for the Gifted Program. HMMMMMM.

Two in Twenty Four Hours...God Help Me!

2009-11-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

If you are an adoptive parent esp one who is parenting a child of a different race then you know how many times you are broadsided by some stranger coming up to you with the expectation that they are allowed to ask any one of a million stupid questions right in front of your kids. It never ceases to amaze me the words that come out of a complete strangers mouth. Lately, I have not had to deal with this so imagine my surprise when in the course of 24 hours I had the following exchanges with some people I have never been formally introduced to and will most likely never meet again.

I have to admit that I was a little evil with the woman at the Mini Mart but gosh darn it I had just been in a video arcade with a bunch of screaming kids for two hours. THat is my excuse.

So yesterday the kids and I go into a Mini Mart and first thing out of the
cashiers mouth as she looks at Kellis " ahhhh she is so cute..."
(Okay I can feel it coming on. Let me see if I can read your mind and finish
the sentence for you sweetie)

"Are they your kids?"

(I knew it. If I only had a nickel. I always know when we start out with a she is so cute it will be followed by nosey questions. But today I was prepared.

"Yep they are all mine."

Funny look crosses her face.

"They don't look anything like you."

"Yeah I know."

"I think they look Asian"

"Naw, my ancestors are English and German"

"Their dad must be Asian then"

"Nope. Here is his picture. ( I pull out my husband's picture) See, He is German too. Oh, and here is a picture of my oldest daughter." (Who is as pale skinned as they come)

She stares at it, looks down at the kids and back at me. Confusion is written
all over her face.

"Yep, the doctors don't understand it either. They think it has something to do
with drinking too much of the water when we went to Asia. Bye now."

And then this afternoon it happened again.

I was in the Super Wal-Mart. Up walks this 50ish man.
(Oh crap... here is comes I think to myself trying to turn my body away but can't get turned fast enough.)

"I know you get this all the time"......

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't you F'ing say whatever is about to come out of your
mouth)

"but are your kids adopted?"

(Hmmmm should I go with the No, why do you ask tactic?)

"Are they from the orient?"

(Oh God...not one of these I just can't take it today!)

"They were born in South Korea"

"Is that the communist country?"

"No, that would be North Korea"

"THe reason I ask is because I have adopted 8 of my own"

(Okay, maybe I can put my guard down a little)

"WE got them in all colors. We have two of our own and then we got a Mexican one, and a black one and this one here (pointing to a I would guess 16 yo) well we don't know what she is"

(Oh God help me and get me away from this idiot)

"And one we have now is 3 and her Mom is in prison and the man she named as the
father well his DNA didn't match so I think we are going to get her thank god.
She doesn't need to have a loser mother like that."

"Sounds like you have a lovely family. We have to keep shopping. It's nice
meeting you."

And just when I thought I was done I ran into him 2 more times and each time he
starts a conversation and once his daughter looks at me as I pass and says

"Do they all have the same mother?"

"Why, yes they do. It's me!"

I am NOT going out tomorrow....its comes in threes you know!

The New Buddha

2009-10-23T08:35:00.001-07:00

Last night I walk into the kitchen and find KU sitting on a small blanket, legs folded with his hands open and on his legs with the Bible sitting in front of him. "What are you doing?," I ask. "I am finding my peace," is his reply. What the heck...where did that come from?

THe Genius

2009-10-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

KA: Mom, Why did GOd make me autistic?
Me: I don't think God does things like that. Things just happen.
KA: I guess that is why God made me a genius in order to compensate.
Me: Honey, you aren't a genius.
KA: Okay, brillant. God made me brillant
Me: Yes you are honey. Yes you are.

That Was Close...The Dreaded Sex Talk

2009-10-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

KU: Mom what do people do to like each other?
Me: Huh? What do you mean?
KU: What do people do who like each other?
Me: Well, when you like someone you look them in the eye and ask them questions about themselves.
KU: That is not what I mean
Me: I don't understand the question, KU.
KU: How do people who like each other have a baby?
Me: (Oh Holy cr**. How do I answer that? If I tell him the truth then I know he will draw an anatomically correct cartoon and show every kid on the playground tomorrow)
KU: So how do the blue and red wires come together in your body?
Me: Huh? (I must be getting dumber by the second because I have no clue how to answer this question! What does he know that I don't?)
KU: You know the red and blue wires in your body?
Me: Oh ( I knew he was an alien....he just blew his cover. Wait a minute...thinking back to the blood work that was drawn earlier in the week) Do you mean the arteries and veins in your body?
KU: Yeah. Those. How do they make a baby?
Me: Why do you ask?
KU: Well I like babies.
Me: First of all it takes a man and a woman who have to be over 25 and really, really like each other enough to get married (please, Father, forgive me because I have lied but its only because I didn't have time to prepare. I mean really THAT one really came out of left field. Now how to I reconcile this with adoption? Oh Geez man have I blown that one!)
KU: Never mind mom I know the rest, he says as he is leaving the room
Me: (Oh cr** what does that mean? Should I go find out? Naw....I'll let Dave tackle it when he gets home. Maybe by then KU will have forgotten this entire conversation....one can only hope!)

My husband comes home and says I handled the whole situation wrong. He said I should have told KU that you use a wirenut to wire the two wires together and that they then create electricity which creates a baby. Silly me!

Homework Time

2009-10-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

Viewing KA's homework with him. One paper everything is wrong. I ask him what happened as he usually gets all his math correct. He looks at me and says "Did you help me with this one?"

Allie and Jenni are making arrays with coins. THere are 12 coins. Allie makes a 3x4 array and Jenni makes a 6x2 array. Explain why both students are correct.
KA: Mom, do you think you understand this or should I get KU (my younger brother) to check my work?

I am having KA do an extra page of math. KA: My teacher will kill me if I do extra. Me: I don't think she will kill you. KA: Yes she will kill me. Me: KA, I will ask her tomorrow if she will kill you for doing extra work. KA: Mark my words she is going to kill me for it and it will be your fault.

I Need To Start Thinking

2009-09-30T23:00:00.001-07:00

I keep thinking that I need to start writing about some heavy duty subjects. You know...work the brain. Think a little. Ponder. Delve. But frankly, I am kind of enjoying this ride down the lazy river that I am on. It's kind of like being 17 years old again tubing down the river and drinking Boone's Farm. You know there are rapids up ahead but you wait until you see them to do something about it. Lately my life is just slowly moving and it is like I am being carried along.... no paddling required. I'm not looking to make any splashes or even get a little wet. I'm just kind of enjoying slowly floating along being taken to wherever I am suppose to see, hear whatever songs are being sung, tasting the fine things that life offers up. I wish I could say that I'm feeling this way because I have matured, I've been enlightened or some other such nonsense. The truth is that the doctor put me on two medications for my fibromyalgia which is working wonders and I feel wonderful. Now that is worth writing about!

Logical Choice

2009-09-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

KA is po'd that Dave and Kylee went to a college football game without him.

KA: I don't even know why they go together. They only have a few things in common
1. THey are both strong 2. They both have the same cell phone 3. They both don't listen to you (thanks son!)
Now Dad and I have a lot in common so I am a better choice
1. We both like sports 2. We are really great builders 3. We like Star Wars 4. We like our dog Bene 5. You guys don't hide in the bedroom when I am around like you do when Kylee comes over 6. We both really like you more than anything 7. We both like to read 8. I'll eat a hamburger at the game and Kylee won't...there are 92 more but I can't think of them. So you see I am the logical choice. Next time Dad needs to go to the game with us.

Counter-Intelligence

2009-09-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

So Carrie from ACES goes out to the school to see KA. He basically tells her "Pssttt, you know what I do...but you can't tell anyone. Sometimes I sneak over to the second grade playground to play with my brother even though I am not suppose to be over there. And I then sneak back right before the bell rings."

So he takes her over to said playground and talks and plays with her there. About 30 seconds before the bell rings he says, "PSSSTTT, we got to get out of here because the bell is going to ring. Lets go!" She said it was eerie how he knew that bell was going to ring.

Name, Rank and Serial Number ONLY Son

2009-09-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

So I walk up to KU's teacher this morning and ask if he is still falling asleep in class as I adjusted his medication. No, she tells me but he did get dentention. Did he tell you?

Seems that when the kids came back in the classroom from lunch the kids told the teacher that Kullen was sticking his fingers up his nose (hasn't he learned by now NEVER to put anything up his nose?)
KU: Well the kids told me to do it.
Teacher: Kullen if the kids told you to play on the freeway would you?
KU: What is a freeway?
Teacher: Kullen if the kids told you to jump off a cliff would you?
KU: What is a clift?
Teacher: Okay. If the kids told you to play in the street would you?
KU: Probably not......Is this the kind of thing you get detention for?
Teacher (the possibility of detention never crossed my mind) Why, do you think you deserve dentention?
KU: Well I am not sure I deserve it but I did earn it.
Teacher: Well, okay, then. You have detention.

Conversations All Night Long

2009-09-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

KA is getting frustrated because I am making him re-do a part of his homework
Ka: Are you trying to make me crack because I swear my shell is breaking! I telling you I am about to lose my temper....here it comes....ready or not...now I am going to explode!

God and Santa

Tonight we went out to Denny's for dinner. Here is the conversation:

KU: Does Santa die?

Me (thinking oh,crap how do I answer this. Okay a simple NO should suffice) NO

KU:I guess God knows if Santa dies it would make all the children sad.

KA: So does Santa believe in God?

Me: (Oh man not another one of these questions...go for the short but sweet answer) YES

KA: I think that is why God gives Santa the gift of eternal life because he believes!

Me: Where did you hear about eternal life?

KA: God told me

STOP THAT KA
For about the past month KA has been bringing his foot up behind him and slapping it with his hand. Today I told him he needed to stop doing that.

Ka: Are you trying, in a really sly mom way, to tell me not to do that in public. That's what you really mean isn't it!
Me: Well, yes I am. When you do things like that they become habits that you do even when you aren't thinking about doing it. So if you do it at home you will probably do it in public because it has become a habit.
Ka: So you are telling me you don't want it to become a homelic problem. That's like a public problem except it happens at home.I'm pretty clever, aren't I mom!

Campfire Rules

2009-09-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

Sunday night as we are singing around the campfire

KA: Dad could you please keep up with the song. Singing the right notes would be nice too!

WHAT KA REALLY THINKS

2009-09-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

WHAT KARSON REALLY THINKS

KA: Mom, why didn't you bring in the wagon. Is it because you are clumsy or just too old to remember anything? (said with utmost sincerity)

THAT WOMAN

2009-09-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

THAT WOMAN by KA

KA: Mom, what can I have for a snack?
Me: A cinnamon apple rice cake
KA: AWW I don't want one of those
Me: Sorry. That is what is available for snack
KA: What else can I have?
Me: No choices. Just a rice cake

He starts to leave the room and I hear him muttering under his breath "I'm going to have to teach THAT WOMAN about the daily special."

Autism 101 By KU

2009-08-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Often times we have our best conversations in the car so tonight while KU and I had a night out I decided to broach the subject of autism. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, KU have you ever heard the word autism?

K: I'm not sure but I think so.

I pause wondering if I should go on

K: So what is it?

Me: Well, it is something that some people have. Sometimes a person with autism hears noises louder than other people. LIke they might hear the refrigerator sound very loud whereas most people can not really hear it. Or sometimes for someone with autism lights seem very bright. Sometimes people with autism find it hard to be touched or they are really ticklish. Do you want me to go on?

KU: Okay.

Me: Sometimes people who have autism find it hard to look other people in the eyes when they are talking to them and sometimes it is very hard for them to sit still. For some people with autism the tags in their shirts make them itchy. Sometimes it is hard for them to talk to other people. But people with autism are usually very smart and often they see things in ways that other people don't which makes them good artists or good with computers or good playing a musical instrument. Their brains just work a little differently than many people, but hey, everyone is different. Some people have brown hair, some people need a wheelchair to get around. Having autism is just like being a boy or being Korean or having blue or brown eyes. It is just a part of who a person is but not the whole person. Do you have any questions?

KU:" Mom, do you have autism cause if you do, I still love you just the way you are!"

Suffering

2009-08-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

My sister is my only sibling. We were never particularly close as kids. I think illness separates you in that way. One child wishing she was healthy like the carefree one... while the healthy one wishes she was getting all the attention the sick one is receiving. Neither sib wins in a relationship like this.

When my sister was seven years old her pediatrician gave her too large of a dosage of medicine which killed her kidneys. She had seizures, fevers and lost most of her body weight. I still remember the time my parents snuck me in the hospital to see her and all I could see was a skeleton of skin and bones. I shook on the inside from fear, rattling every internal organ to the core. I wanted to shake on the outside but couldn't let my sister see the effect that she had on me. I was only eight but I knew that the fear I was feeling was just something I had to hide from everyone, especially myself. And so I did as if my life depended on it and I never looked back until many years later. By then it was too late. Our relationship would never be what it could have been. Lies/fear stunt its growth.

I also remember the shunt that stuck out of my sisters arm like a curving snake slithering into her arm and disappearing within the two holes that looked red, raw and perpetually oozy. It was her lifeline to a washing machine sized dialysis unit that kept her alive. Back then I gather that it was a somewhat hazardous process. In fact, I remember listening to my parents whisper about someone who had died while connected. I know I went and saw my sister once when she was undergoing treatment and once again I was shook to my core. When I was older I blamed my parents from not being honest about what was happening, from shielding me from all the unpleasantness which created an unpleasant scariness of its own. But now I wonder what they saw when they were looking at me looking at her. Perhaps they were doing me a favor after all.

Anyway, when my sister was eight my mother donated a kidney to my sister. To this day I still don't know if it was her left or her right. I just remember seeing her with stitches going from her front to her back and wondered if she would have been willing to be in all that pain for me for by then I felt so outside of the loop of what we call family. Guilt, fear and pain melded together to create a child who was there on the outside but was long gone on the inside. Always comparing and always coming up short. Funny thing the same thing was going on with my sister yet we really never knew until we were older how much this effected our lives. Time passed. My mother did too. Her gift still living within my sister for a total of 28 years. Then it was my turn to donate something I wanted to do in hopes of somehow evening out our lives and what had become of them. A hope of salvation and redemption for both of us. My husband wasn't so sure. My sister was having mental health issues at the time and he was afraid that she may decided to stop the drugs that would keep her alive. As it turned out a few years later she did just that. When I found out there was only one thing I could say "I gave you a gift and only you can decide what to do with that gift and whatever you decide I will support you." That one sentence spoken from the heart evened out the playing field in my sisters mind. The indebtedness to someone she felt so conflicted about disappeared and we slowly began to repair our relationship. Now ten years later her kidney is once again failing and there is no family to look towards for donation. She refuses to ask her children after spending years worrying about my health and the guilt she would feel if I were to get ill. She is adamant about keeping loved ones out of the process. And so we sit and wait...the clock slowly ticking... to see how long it will take before she needs to go back on dialysis...if she ever chooses to.

Recently, it has come to my attention that my sister may want to forego further medical intervention. For it has come up here and there that heading down that path which leads to a dangerous and confusing medical precipious might not be the one she will decide to take. My father and I were discussing the ramifications of this the other day. My father said that he would support her right to make this choice and would do whatever it took to make sure this choice remained open to her by zealots who might try and implement their religious ideals upon her. However, he said that as much as he would help make sure that these options remained open to her as his daughter it was very painful to think about her deciding that she did not want to walk the path along the dialysis line. And as he said it I replied, "Why because she hadn't suffered enough?"

Why is it, I wondered, that for most of us it appears that there is a certain amount of time that we feel someone must suffer before we can let them go? It's one thing if a freak accident of nature renders our loved one brain dead. For these types of situations most of us can let go saying with all sincerity "they didn't want to live that way. They didn't want to suffer." But let a person decide on their own that they want to opt out of life preserving treatment and for some reason it becomes more difficult to view it in that manner. Somehow when a person makes the decision to die by forgoing treatment it becomes in our minds something akin to suicide and we just can't tolerate that. Instead, we ask that they suffer. Suffer the pain and humility of treatments that render them helpless, hopeless and often in incredible pain. Then and only then do we see their suffering as worthy of death.

I am not sure where we Americans picked up the notion that suffering is admirable, enlightening or an event that provides an opportunity for one to discover a virtue that may have been hidden throughout ones life only to rise up at the end like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Why is it so unpalatable to just say no to prolonging the inevitable? At what point does suffering cease to have any meaning? Is it when a person is so drugged up on morphine that they can no longer contemplate their fate or revisit the good and the bad they have caused and its implications? Or does suffering have any true meaning at all? Is it all for show or does it in fact provide the wisdom necessary to complete one's journey?

TO BE CONTINUED

Conversation in the Car

2009-08-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

I always love our conversations in the car where the truth appears swiftly whether I like it or not.

We are going to the boy's therapist and this conversation occurs

Me: I think I want to play with Dr. Sullivan today.
Karson: I don't think so mom. She only plays with people my size. You're too fat.
Me: Well thanks Karson but I think she would play with me
Karson: Mom, I go there to play but also to tell her about my life. LIke what I did in San Francisco. Stuff like that. If you want to play with someone you have to get your OWN therapist, not mine. Maybe you could talk to Amy. You like Amy and she likes you. You could both talk about your lives and play together too. I think she is a Candy Land type of girl.

Conversation Heard In My House Today

2009-08-05T22:37:00.001-07:00

KU: Dad, what are these lumps below my dink
Dad: Those are called your testicles
KU: Can they explode if you squeeze them?
Dad: Well it can hurt, son. I don't recommend it.

5 minutes later said son walks into our room visably upset

KU: Dad, I am really freaked out now.
Dad: What about?
KU: (with tears in his eyes) Well I squeezed them really hard. I think they are going to pop. What happens when they pop? Do they explode and disappear? Will I die?
Dad: It's okay son. You won't die but it might really hurt later on. I think it would be a good thing to let them rest now and stop squeezing them.

5 minutes later KA can be heard asking KU

KA: What are you talking about?
KU: They are your tentacles. They are those hard things inside your dink. But don't squeeze your tentacles it can make you turn blue.

When Momma's Unhappy

2009-08-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

You know the old saying, "If Momma ain't happy then no one is happy" well that's an understatement if I have ever heard one!!!

Life with two autistic boys can be a bit of a challenge. Instead of one behavior issue there are often two running concurrently and in opposite directions. Sometimes it is enough to drive you to the brink of insanity. Fortunately, a hand always appears out of the mist to pull me back off the ledge because "someone" knows there isn't anyone else around to do the job I do. Mothering is often a thankless task and "SHE" knows it. Today was one of those thankless days. Dave knew it was "one of THOSE days" because when I arrived home at 7 p.m. with the kids I looked at him and said, "You have to take this child or I am going to commit a crime against humanity!!!." And with that I walked back out the door and went to indulge in a little retail therapy ALONE. One thing a mother of autistic children does NOT want to do is take them to the store with her. (Refer back to the mannequin incident involving a pulled up shirt and hands on the oh-so-perfect and perky breasts that some man having a wet dream must have designed.) This is only one reason I avoid stores at all costs when I have children in tow.

Another way I know its been a stressful day is when I am on a diet and I go ahead and buy a container of cookies. Call it tempting fate or Russian Roulette it doesn't matter when It's my favorite. Ummm, chocolate almond biscotti with it's s-o-o-t-h-i-n-g butter taste and the melt-in-your-mouth sweetness of the crushed almonds which cling to my tongue while the chocolate coating swirls around my mouth like a robust cognac. Unfortunately, all of this silky sweetness of serves to jump start my taste buds into action after a week of bland green food. Of course it is easy to justify said purchase. I usually do it by playing some form of the numbers game which goes something like this: "I will only have three cookies. Yep, just three. They only have 120 cal, 8 carbs which means I will eat salad for breakfast for the next week to compensate." Of course, before I even finish the thought and brush the crumbs from my lips the number of carbs and calories consumed have become so gargantuan that I can no longer do the math without a scientific calculator!

You also know it's a "Momma Ain't Happy Day" when you keep repeating back to yourself the simple reminder that you love your child and he cannot help himself no matter how much medication you or said child is on. Usually by employing this strategy I can convince myself that if I say it over and over again I will remember it and remain astonishingly calm the next time my child is on a mission to put me in the loony bin before his 8th birthday. Yet, if you are like me, repeating this mantra for the two thousandth time tends to put you in a trance. Tonight it happened in the store's dressing room and it wasn't until I arrived home that I realized the dress I purchased is in the most Gosh-awful shade of coral (who looks good in coral anyway?) and is three sizes too small. And because I will be leaving for a wedding tomorrow it means I must return the dress and take the kids into the store with me; thereby negating any therapy I might have gotten from the original excursion. Just the thought of taking said children to the store then gives me the shakes which ultimately leads to a third shot of vodka for the night. The result of being that I will most likely have a hangover the size of Texas tomorrow morning; once again proving the old adage that if Momma's unhappy...well you know the rest.

Sometimes Life Just Sucks...Other Times It Doesn't

2009-08-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

What is it about crashes? Why is that ones that will ultimately be expensive sound one way while those that involve a $3 cheap trinket from China sound another. It is like the cheap ones have no oomph whereas the valuable/expensive ones shatter with a delayed sense of time so you can hear each atom splitting apart from one another in slow motion; like a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong.

Crashes also for some odd reason sound different from one another based on whether the crash was intentional or not. For instance, when I was just a wee child of about age two my mother was having a fancy dinner party and borrowed china from all her friends and relatives. Being the helpful little lady I was I decided to vacuum for my mother. Now I am sure that when my mother heard the vacuum going she looked at my father quizzically and then they both made a dash for the dining room. But it was too late. For as they raced down the stairs I somehow managed to wrap the hose around the dining room table and pull the entire thing over. Crash. I suspect that it wasn't one big crash but the tinkle of each dish bouncing off one another as they cracked and chipped and went their own separate ways. That's the way of the "I shouldn't have borrowed so much" crash. It not only splinters your dishes but it also splinters your mind into a thousand little pieces trying to figure out how you are going to tell all those wonderful folks who lent you all that beautiful dish ware that their prize pieces are now sitting in the trash can along with the onion dip and the sweet gerkins.

Unfortunately, the crash I heard last weekend was a deliberate one. It was a crash created in moment of anger like a scorching red branding iron that is doused in water; so steaming and hot; it hissed louder than 100 angry hornets. A crash that was the result of two weeks without pharmaceuticals in the bloodstream and two minutes after a child was sentenced to some time alone. NO greater injustice could have been handed down upon a seven year old. And after a minute in which the blood was boiling so rapidly that the temperature of the brain went so high that it no longer functioned as it was designed to, a pool ball was shot through the window, shattering it into a million pieces right along with my soul. It was loud, angry and each shard of glass was jagged, twisted and capable of inflicting severe injury and pain. Glass that hid out of sight, like a private eye with his hand on the shutter, just waiting to open and expose the skin of a stranger to the anguished other. A crash so unexpected that one is now left to wonder if it is just the beginning or truly an anomaly but either way nothing will be quite the same again.

Then there was the crash of this past weekend. I was not there to witness it nor hear it but I am told that it was the sound a bowling ball makes when it captures a perfect STRIKE. A thud so deep that it resonates throughout the alley. In this case it was one of our old oak trees that guard the driveway to the cabin between the rocks that will catch a tire and the propane tank that lights our fire. Seems that for whatever reason this old oak split itself down the middle; the left half falling into the road while the right half fell into another old oak who strains to cradle it within its own feeble branches without falling over itself as it carries double its usual load. And should the oak lose its fight both will most likely crash into the cabin splintering everything from the roof to the foundation and carrying with it the dreams of past and current caretakers all in one fell swoop. Crash, Bang. It's gone never to be revived again unless, of course, you carry a good low deductable on your insurance policy .

I have heard the question asked that if a tree falls in a forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it in fact make a sound? After this weekend I finally have the answer to this perplexing question and quite frankly; it all depends on if you have good insurance with some sort of policy that covers dangerous trees. Seems that my insurance will not pay to have the two trees that MAY crash on my cabin removed. They will, however, pay to rebuild the cabin should the trees decide to fall upon it. CRASH...and I wonder why my premiums are going up!

The Lock

2009-07-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

So we are looking at a house we are considering buying...looking all around...not paying our usual strict attention to what the kids are doing. All of a sudden one of the tattlers comes in to tell us "KU removed the lock from the front door." Seems he found a screwdriver and removed it. Should I do myself in now or let him do it for me?

The Clubhouse

2009-07-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

Remember your first clubhouse? The place where you hung the NO GIRLS or NO BOYS allowed sign. Where you told secrets to your friends, shared popcorn together and dreamed dreams that only the clubhouse gang could understand?

Well, me neither. But I would like to think that this is the type of clubhouse that Dave built for the kids. The type of clubhouse that will bring back memories when the kids are older, one that will give them peace when they are down, and a place that will stimulate their imaginations and allow them to explore the world at their own pace. It will be a place for learning, a house for negotiation and just old fashioned good times. Unfortunately, right now it appears to be the bank vault for the family's valuable possessions. Here's why...tonight Dave goes out to the clubhouse with KA and KE and in it he finds:

1. His expensive watch given to him by his company which is being worn by a rather large stuffed bear
2. A necklace of mine being worn by another imposter animal
3. Some sort of small appliance and numerous dishes which come to think about it I have been scratching my head for the past week thinking that I must be going crazy because it seems like cups were disappearing right and left.

And there is only one culprit who has done all of this....KU, KU... where are you? And how do I know this is all KU's doing? Because he is the only one who has nerves of steel which allow him to climb dressers to get the loot. He is the only one to whom the word NO has direct relevance to him and he is the only one who like the rat and the crow is attracted to shiny things and has no problem swooping down to relieve the unsuspecting owner of his possessions.

Someday, as I get a little older, I will be able to attribute the missing car keys and watches to the fact that I am slowly losing my marbles but for now there is only one name I need to call when something is missing....KU....KU.... and mysteriously each and every time he knows where the missing object is. I can only hope he is still around when I am 70.

The Poop Story

2009-07-07T00:59:00.000-07:00

I came across an old flash drive the other day and it contained this story from November 24, 2004. Sometimes we forget just how far we have come!

Well I am thrilled to report that KA finally pooped in the potty today. Just wish I had been more on top of things so to speak. It all started when KA was peeing on the potty when I noticed "the look."

"KA, do you have to poop?"

"Yes, Mommy."

"Great. Can you poop in the potty?"

"Yes, Mommy. Go away please."

Okay, upon reflection wanting some privacy when engaging in one's bodily functions is a normal and legitimate request. The BIG mistake was actually doing what a three year old asks.

So I come out to the family room, put a few books away, straighten a few pillows and there is it...that smell. What is that god awful smell, anyway? Turns out it is KU and he is in desperate need of a change. As I am changing him KA comes into the room. In the three minutes since we have parted I completely spaced the fact that when I last saw him he was on the potty doing "IT." Well, little Mr. KA comes up to me as I am intensely concentrating on wrestling KU's diaper on his contorting all-over-the-place little rump and places his sweet hands on my face. Too late...I recognize that particular putrid smell and, oh joy, my face feels somewhat damp. I look up and there is KA with poop all over his hands. Seems he tried to wipe using his hands and now it is all over my unsuspecting face!!! Being the totally cool nonchalant Mom that I am (in order not to lose it and scare her son into never going in the potty again until he is entering college) I stroll into the bathroom to remove the offending "finger paint." And as I walk, not run, I notice that it appears that KA has touched every wall between the bathroom and the family room, which, I guess, is a blessing or else even more would have ended up on me; which proves the point that you can always find good in the not so.

Anyway, since that time I have been cleaning every surface in the bathroom, the hallway, the family room and have rubbed my face raw just so that one of the twenty people visiting tomorrow doesn't find any surprises. Guess I won't repeat this story for them!

You Know Life Sucks When...From My Facebook

2009-06-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

So, I just stumbled upon KU who had my toothbrush down his pants. Should I just end my life now or wait for him to do me in?

Alicia at 9:48pm June 29
HA!!!! Oh my. THAT was not the first thing I expected to read upon opening facebook this evening! Oh wow. The mental picture.
Well...I think I'd just be glad I caught him doing it...now, get a new toothbrush and lock it away somewhere safe!!

Barbara at 9:50pm June 29
I am laughing hysterically!!!!! (honest, sorry, I can't stop). Cheryl, you need to write a book about your life with Kullen and Karson.

Amy at 9:51pm June 29
Holy cow, Cheryl. I don't know what to say. Just try not to think about how many times he has done that.

Kindra at 10:10pm June 29
I'm dying to know what his explanation was...

Robin at 10:13pm June 29
Sorry, can't stop laughing here.

Erin at 10:25pm June 29
I'm with Robin. I'm also about to tell hubby and I'm pretty sure he's going to lose it :-)

Erin at 10:28pm June 29
In NJ, we are wondering how often he's done that BEFORE you brushed your teeth???? LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kindra at 10:30pm June 29
I hope you use Listerine after you brush!

and on it went. I guess I will be counting toothbrushes instead of sheep tonight!!! UGH!!!

The H Word

2009-06-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

KE: KU said the H word (said in that sing-song tattle tail way)

KA: What is the H word? Hideous?

Later that week KE runs to tattle again

KE: Mom, KU just said the H word!!!

Me: What is the H Word?

KE: I can't tell you

Me: Oh, go ahead

KE: The H word is SHUT UP

An Autograph By God

2009-06-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

In the car with Ka today.

KA: I can hardly wait to get God's autograph.
ME: Where will you get that, honey?
KA: In Heaven
ME: So what do you think he/she would write?
KA: GOD, creator of all earth.

Being Hit By A Ton Of Bricks

2009-06-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today it felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks, happy, wistful bricks, but bricks just the same. I felt crushed by the weight of all the "what could have beens" and the crushing sadness of suddenly missing someone who has been dead for almost 25 years. And not being prepared for the feelings that rushed over me and made me cry; the person who never lets the tears fall. This is what happens when the unexpected arrives so silently and without notice; a mixture of profound happiness and sadness and the wonder that both can exist one within the other.

Today I found an old box with cards in it. Cards congratulating me on Ross' birth 25 years ago. Cards from dear freinds who I miss terribly and friends who have melted away like a snowflake on a warm winter's night. Friends who were mine and friends of my mothers who gave her a grand Baby Shower for me. And tucked within all this happiness and loving memories I found a card that threw me in a tizzy but one I will treasure forever. The card said For You Daughter, On Your First Mother's Day and in it was my mothers instantly recognizable writing...the writing of a teacher whose cursive was book perfect with just the right tilt and curl to her s. She wrote:

"Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day. Now you know what it's all about and how much love a mother feels for her child. That feeling never leaves. I love you now and I always have and always will. Love, Mom"

Sometimes gifts both happy and sad arrive at unexpected but totally meaingful times. Some say it is pure coincidence some attribute it to divine intervention. But all I know is that it arrived at the perfect time...when Ross was leaving for his own home and when Kylee took the last box to her new home to start her life as an adult. The beauty of words is the meaning they convey and whether they are two years old or twenty-five years later love speaks a language that never grows old and has the power to touch a heart years later. All of which begs the question...what have you written to your loved ones today?

Here Is One Heck Of An Adoption Story

2009-05-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

Without debating the whole "family should prevail at all costs" notion along with debating the "at what age is it too old to adopt" concept I have to say that this story is so sad and disturbing on so many levels. For instance, why is our government not helping this family? Frankly there is no excuse for it. These children have a right to medical services and their great-grandparents should not have to go broke providing them! I don't care if they were born in Canada or not. They are in this country legally and should be covered in one way or another. Shame on our government. And shame on people for not helping these great-grandparents. If everyone would just send a buck!
Here is the story!
http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/may/17/difficult-blessing/

National Day of Prayer... I Mean Hypocrisy

2009-05-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

Today I went out with a girlfriend for coffee. She was very concerned and upset that President Obama did not attend the big church service for the National Day of Prayer. Frankly, I don't understand why she was so upset. The Bush administration attended all of these and yet was allowing torture and expelling its virtues which is against the law AND certainly not something that Jesus espoused. I mean why does it matter if someone attends an event that for all intensive purposes is used "to see and be seen" esp if you are going to go against the teachings of the one you are suppose to be praying with/to? Standing there saying "the right words" means nothing if you are not going to follow them. Further, National Prayer Day is deemed an event that is suppose to be exclusively for Christians and those of other faiths are not allowed.This according to its organizers. It seems to me that a man who is suppose to be representing ALL of the people sends the wrong message if he attends such a service.Finally, event organizers stipulated that the White House representative who would attend the event MUST be pro-life and against abortion rights. Interesting that so many on the right neglected to mention these facts when reporting this "story" on the airways.

Frankly, I just don't get why "this issue" is so important to some. For people to besmirch President Obama for not attending is just so ludicrous. Some folks act as if Obama is somehow showing he is not moral because he did not attend this event. I wish that they would realize that attending an event does not make you moral nor does it ensure that you even have a relationship with the Lord. One only has to look at Mr. Bush to find a prime example of that.

Post on CNN website

2009-04-23T00:38:00.000-07:00

I am the mother of two seven yo boys with autism. They are not biologically related nor are they twins but they do share several commonalities. Both were vaccinated at birth, both experienced materal stress in-utero , both were born in South Korea, both have a huge number of food/airborn allergies, both suffered terrible stress having three caretakers and being removed from two of them the first 6-10 months of their lives and both have my husband and myself as adoptive parents. My bio children do not have autism so I am assuming the last shared commonality is probably not the "cause" of their autism.

What I am getting at is that I have no idea what has contributed to or "caused" my children's autism. But we should all wish to find out if it is one cause, or a combination of issues because we ALL pay for autism's effects on our children and society. Families pay dearly and school systems do too. Medical care is out of reach for many families so the kids that do the best often have the parents who can afford to do whatever it takes to "recover" their children. But with all the burdens on families and society they are in fact small compared to the price our children with autism have to pay for their entire lives. With so many reports of autism developing almost immediately after vaccination it makes sense to research what the effects of all these combinations of vaccines are and it also makes sense to look at alternative vaccine schedules in an effort to decrease the numbers of children that are not developing neurotypically. It also makes sense to do testing on families like mine, on families where their "appears" to be a genetic component and to listen to and learn from families who believe that their children were harmed from vaccines on an accelerated schedule.

Autism kills. It kills the spirit, it kills via seizures, depression, not understanding cause and effect, etc. It is an unwanted intruder in our lives and like any intruder we should use common sense to do what we can to keep our children healthy, safe and autism away.

Even More Pics From Ethiopia

2009-04-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia was certainly not what I expected. One of my favorite pics that I took was of this 15 yo old autistic girl and her very devoted Muslim brother. The family invited me into their mud and stick house and welcomed me with open arms. The family lives in a room the size of a small closet with a three level bunkbed and room for one chair. In a land were autism is so misunderstood that you are often considered possessed, it is very difficult for families of autistic children. This brother loves his sister very much despite the hardship that autism brings to the family. The Autism Center helped this family by helping the mother set up her own store so she can try and provide for her family.

More pics from Africa

2009-04-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

More Ethiopia Pics

2009-04-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

I find Ethiopia so diverse and facinating. It is like no place I have ever been before. I feel honored to have met so many wonderful people and seen so many incredible sites. The women I traveled with were awesome...all here for different reasons and all just good people. The kids I met have hearts as open as any I have seen esp. considering all that some have been through.

astonied

Losing One's Marbles At Trader Joe's

Skin Color 101

Stuck on Genetic Engineering

Engineered

The Olden Days Part Gazillion

Drawback of Scotland

Walking with KA Conversation 2

Walking with K

The Oldness Remover Invention

Mr. Talks Alot

THoughts on Turning 50

Wrinkles

Chest Hair

Be Careful Asking Questions Around Karson

Traditions in the US of A

Beets

Break Time

Betty Davis Eyes

Scotch

Dittites

THE "FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" LIST

...And The Ending Never Comes

Pivital Moments

Critical Mass

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME #5,796,823 Or DON"T TAKE FOOD FROM MY KIDS

A Dinner COnversation

I Was Mind F***** By My Nine Year Old

Thanks Again Son

Kicking SOme Bunny Bootie

Justification Is Just A Small Part Of It

More Conversations In The Car

MeltDown Doesn't Mean a Grilled Cheese

Sticky Sleeping

“When I was sleeping I forgot to chew,” was the explanation KA gives when he woke up with gum throughout his hair and all over the bed. Like an old horse, he must have rolled in it.I guess we will be going to the barber later today after hacking hunks of hair off his head this morning.

Ghandi He Is Not

I Think I Will Saw Off My Head With A Butter Knife

All this in a 24 hour period

In the store looking for Mommie clothes size L. I pick something up to look at it and say, " This looks a little small." KE replies, " So do you need a size HUGE?"

Thanks daughter.

Now in one 24 hour period I am really old, stupid and HUGE according to my kids. I think I will take a dull knife to myself so I can prolong the pain and agony!

The Love Dove

Today at church Pastor Stephanie was talking about when Jesus was baptized by John and the dove appeared. So KA in his infinite wisdom said, "So that was the love dove, right?!"

The Tutor and I Were Mind F***** By A Nine Year Old

Poems by KA ( Yes, I am a proud momma!)

Someone in this family ate an autism sandwich for breakfast yesterday as well as one this morning. May G*d help us all...esp. the poor teacher!!!~Cheryl

The Christmas List

Stuff

Me: KE you have to be nice to your brothers!KE: Can't we just get rid of them!

KA: Girls nature is having pretty hair. A boys nature is to fart! Oh man we are full of it tonight!

Meltdown number 478- "That is the thing that is ruining my day...carrots!"

Taylor the Tutor says:" Please, God, grant me patience."KU: "Maybe you should say, thank you Lord for sending me this test instead."

That Troublesome Wait

The End Of The World Is Near

Messy

KU Quip

Two Minutes And Counting Until The Bus Arrives

Homework Globlins

Laundry Days

Pack Rat Fever

Says my wise husband to my children who are in trouble. "Knowledge costs something but a parents wisdom is free."

Pour Thing

Why is it that my children are bent on destruction? Where does this gene come from? Is there a way to turn it off? Why aren't all the research dollars going to solve this problem? Why does it seem to be MY kids who are always pulling these stunts?

It's a DARN good thing everyone is asleep or mom would be on the warpath. Which son of mine decided it would be a good idea to pour all the sand and stones from the rock polisher down the sink?????????????

Older Than Dirt

On Being Called GRANDMA When With Your Young Children

Been so bad about blogging so here are a few ditties

Me: Do you want to go outside and look at the starsHim (who shall remain unnamed) No. But if you want you can watch me pee. It kindof looks like stars are shooting out of there!

From my friend Carla...love this"You can safely assume that you've created G-d in your own image when it turns out that G-d hates all the same people you do."

As you can tell we had a fluent conversation day yesterday.KA introducing his sister to a boy " This is my sister KE. She is a drama queen!"Also:"Am I being too quiet?""No""Don't you want to hear my beautiful voice?"

Yesterday on the condition of Kylee's apartmentKU "It looks like a pig style in here almost like a tormato came through here!"

Yesterday:KU "I want to know how babies are made!"Amy the tutor "That is something you learn about when you are older."KU "Never mind I will just Google it."

Someone around here ate an autism sandwich for breakfast!

My "Being Bothered About Stupid Shit" in box is full. Please do not try to fill the box with more STUPID SHIT until the box has been emptied and refurbished sometime in 2040.

‎"Mom your conscience is going to die if you don't start listening to it"- KU .This in response to my putting a jelly bean in my mouth while on a diet. Believe me I have the diet gestapo on my butt around here.

Girls

It's Like Herding Cats

So KA is "herding" the tutors and mom down the street when Taylor says, "What are we cows?"

KA responds " Well you are suppose to keep up with me"

Taylor: " I'm going to stop walking if you are going to call me a cow" to which Karson replies, " Well then I'm going to have to milk you."

Me: KE you have to be nice to your brothers!
KE: Can't we just get rid of them!

Taylor the Tutor says:" Please, God, grant me patience."
KU: "Maybe you should say, thank you Lord for sending me this test instead."

Me: Do you want to go outside and look at the stars
Him (who shall remain unnamed) No. But if you want you can watch me pee. It kindof looks like stars are shooting out of there!

From my friend Carla...love this
"You can safely assume that you've created G-d in your own image when it turns out that G-d hates all the same people you do."

As you can tell we had a fluent conversation day yesterday.
KA introducing his sister to a boy " This is my sister KE. She is a drama queen!"

Also:
"Am I being too quiet?"
"No"
"Don't you want to hear my beautiful voice?"

Yesterday on the condition of Kylee's apartment
KU "It looks like a pig style in here almost like a tormato came through here!"

Yesterday:
KU "I want to know how babies are made!"
Amy the tutor "That is something you learn about when you are older."
KU "Never mind I will just Google it."

Me: Well I started my diet today
KU: Why?
Me: Because I am too fat
KU: I think you are perfect just the way you are right now.
Me: (thinking to self) This kid is either going to be the greatest con man alive or he is going to become a reincarnate of Richard Simmons and all the women will love him.