Two in Twenty Four Hours...God Help Me!

If you are an adoptive parent esp one who is parenting a child of a different race then you know how many times you are broadsided by some stranger coming up to you with the expectation that they are allowed to ask any one of a million stupid questions right in front of your kids. It never ceases to amaze me the words that come out of a complete strangers mouth. Lately, I have not had to deal with this so imagine my surprise when in the course of 24 hours I had the following exchanges with some people I have never been formally introduced to and will most likely never meet again.

I have to admit that I was a little evil with the woman at the Mini Mart but gosh darn it I had just been in a video arcade with a bunch of screaming kids for two hours. THat is my excuse.

So yesterday the kids and I go into a Mini Mart and first thing out of the
cashiers mouth as she looks at Kellis " ahhhh she is so cute..."
(Okay I can feel it coming on. Let me see if I can read your mind and finish
the sentence for you sweetie)

"Are they your kids?"

(I knew it. If I only had a nickel. I always know when we start out with a she is so cute it will be followed by nosey questions. But today I was prepared.

"Yep they are all mine."

Funny look crosses her face.

"They don't look anything like you."

"Yeah I know."

"I think they look Asian"

"Naw, my ancestors are English and German"

"Their dad must be Asian then"

"Nope. Here is his picture. ( I pull out my husband's picture) See, He is German too. Oh, and here is a picture of my oldest daughter." (Who is as pale skinned as they come)

She stares at it, looks down at the kids and back at me. Confusion is written
all over her face.

"Yep, the doctors don't understand it either. They think it has something to do
with drinking too much of the water when we went to Asia. Bye now."

And then this afternoon it happened again.

I was in the Super Wal-Mart. Up walks this 50ish man.
(Oh crap... here is comes I think to myself trying to turn my body away but can't get turned fast enough.)

"I know you get this all the time"......

(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Don't you F'ing say whatever is about to come out of your
mouth)

"but are your kids adopted?"

(Hmmmm should I go with the No, why do you ask tactic?)

"Are they from the orient?"

(Oh God...not one of these I just can't take it today!)

"They were born in South Korea"

"Is that the communist country?"

"No, that would be North Korea"

"THe reason I ask is because I have adopted 8 of my own"

(Okay, maybe I can put my guard down a little)

"WE got them in all colors. We have two of our own and then we got a Mexican one, and a black one and this one here (pointing to a I would guess 16 yo) well we don't know what she is"

(Oh God help me and get me away from this idiot)

"And one we have now is 3 and her Mom is in prison and the man she named as the
father well his DNA didn't match so I think we are going to get her thank god.
She doesn't need to have a loser mother like that."

"Sounds like you have a lovely family. We have to keep shopping. It's nice
meeting you."

And just when I thought I was done I ran into him 2 more times and each time he
starts a conversation and once his daughter looks at me as I pass and says

"Do they all have the same mother?"

"Why, yes they do. It's me!"

I am NOT going out tomorrow....its comes in threes you know!

Omma vs. Mom

There is a debate going on in regards to a blog by an adoptee who says that adoptive parents wearing things like Omma pendants are appropraiting something that they shouldn't. That adoptive parents by taking on these names are erasing something that does not rightfully belong to them. Interesting concept.

So I have been thinking about this.

I do wonder if part of the issue for the adoptee has to do with loss and not giving up on seeing their Omma and Appa again. If you suspected that your birth parents were still alive then it might seem disrespectful like your a-parents were trying to take their places. Like why isn't "Mom" and "Dad" good enough for them. The only thing I can relate it to is this:

If my husband were to die and two years later I married again I am not so sure that my children would appreciate being forced to call the new guy "Dad" For them, "Dad" would have a very specific meaning, the man they grew up with, who read to them every night, the man that the world knew as "Dave" and they knew as "Dad." The man who holds the title of "Dad" in their hearts. And its only when and if they CHOSE to give that title to someone else would it be right. Not just because I wanted them to.

Perhaps for some adoptees the word "Appa" or "omma" has that special place in their heart.The place that gives them hope that someday they will be able to meet the person/s who created and birthed them. The place that is reserved for their Korean birthparents. Perhaps those are the words that they have longed to say the first time they touch their first mothers hair, or feel her warm hand in theirs when in Korea and it would only seem right to use those Korean terms of endearment like "Omma". If my kids were meeting their first mother in Korea they certainly wouldn't call her "mom" because it wouldn't have meaning to her or a shared sense of a cultural meaning plus it would be their term of endearment for me.

The Importance of Believing

Reading the title you might think that this post is spiritual in nature and in some sense it is. Because when we really listen and believe what they are telling us we give to a person's spirit something far more valuable than just an encouraging word. We give them a gift. A gift which serves to strengthen one's self and the freedom that comes when we legitimize another's experiences.

I have been thinking about this lately. A wonderful adoptee and I have had a discussion about this and then today another friend whose son is adopted really brought this home to me. When our transracially adopted children come to us and say, "Jenny doesn't like me because I am Asian," we need to hear them and not discount their feelings with a "Oh I am sure she didn't mean it that way" knee-jerk type of response. Our kids know what they feel. They are there to witness to multiple playground interactions while we are not.

So the question becomes why would we choose to doubt our child rather than embrace their feelings and provide an opportunity for discussion? Why say in effect, "I don't believe you or "you are too sensitive" rather than "Why do you think that?" or "I am sorry you feel she doesn't like you because you are Asian. That would make me sad and angry too." And while on occasion our children may perceive things incorrectly I think that by giving the benefit of the doubt to them rather than giving it to a stranger we are giving them something much more precious...the knowledge that their parents are behind them and that our belief in them supercedes what we have experienced for ourselves.

I have met so many a-parents who have said that they feel like by "buying into this way of thinking" that they are teaching their children that they can whine and blame all the bad things in their life on adoption or their race. That they will develop a "poor me" mentality. That what their kids really need to realize is that everyone is "different" and that they need to stop focusing on that, be happy for what they do have and to get on with life. The problem with this way of thinking is that it teaches the child that they should not depend on what their senses are telling them. That they should not trust their experiences and that those "ahh-ha" moments when life clarifies itself right in front of you, are in fact, just illusions. Yet, by negating our kids experiences we are really just telling them that if they just look close enough at themselves they will realize that there is something wrong with them, the way they think, and how they interpret things. So instead of teaching our kids that there is something wrong with them why not tell them what they really need to hear, "I Believe You." Three simple words when spoken alone have little power but when said together have the power to change the world. While "I Love You" can sometimes fall short "I Believe You" never will. And that is because "I Believe You" really affirms everything precious and true about a person. It says you are trust worthy, you are accurate, you can trust yourself, and that your experiences are valuable in helping you determine what can and cannot be trusted; a valuable and perhaps life saving skill of you are not a member of the majority.

So this week, when someone of color tells you an account of something that has happened to them, look them in the eye and say "I Believe You." It's a gift whose price cannot be measured.