On Being Called GRANDMA When With Your Young Children

Recently, one of the women that I am on a BB with talked about how strangers were referring to her as Grandma if she was out with her kids. Undoubtedly, that is not the kind of comment that makes you go out and take on the day. At 49, I have had that happen to me several times. So in that vein, if I did all the things it would take to make me look younger I would:


 1.Lose more weight (and I just read a study that said skinny people are perceived as older because fatter people's skin stretches and you can't see the lines) So I am carefully looking at my options here and an ice cream sundae that is calling out too me  
2. I would lose the van and get a 2 seater sports car (that isn't going to happen anytime soon) 
3. have my own personal crane to hoist certain sagging body parts up but that is out of the question because I can't afford the teamsters operators fees for the crane operator.
 4. elect to have surgery, surgery, surgery...unfortunately it is all considered elective no matter how many times I have argued with my insurance if you are going to pay for viagra then it is only fair that you pay for a tummy tuck, butt tuck and anything else the doc is willing to tuck. And really, if all us "grandma's" looked that good the Viagra market would tank. Obviously, the BIG PHARMA would NEVER allow that to happen
 5. I would hire a couple of old men to walk around and call me "Mom" and everyone will think I look fabulous but I really don't like all the paperwork that would entail unless I could pay them under the table so as to not endanger their social secutirty
 6. Pay my kids to call me "sis" while we are out in public but unfortunately I think they would refuse citing the creepiness clause. 
7. Divorce my husband and marry Castro so the next time someone said that to me I could yell "Off with their head!" It would certainly make those idiots who say things like that think twice! 
8. Yell out "these are my grandchildren? Last time I saw them they had blond hair and blue eyes. What did you do with my other grandchildren? Police! Police!"

So instead of going to all the time and effort of the above I have elected to:

1. Get a shot of botox right between the eyebrows since that large crevice makes me look angry all the time. I don't do the eyes or anything else just that horrid spot that makes me look tired and mean 
 2. I am considering telling everyone that I am a 65 yo Grandma and then instead of them thinking I look old their perception of me will change immediately and they will tell me how great I look for my age. I am also thinking about carrying around a very expensive jar of face cream that I will sell to them for $300 so they can look as good as I do at (cough, cough) 65. 

Okay, I am done. See your sense of humor also gets worse when you get to be my age! So does the dementia!

Been so bad about blogging so here are a few ditties

 Me: Do you want to go outside and look at the stars
Him (who shall remain unnamed) No. But if you want you can watch me pee. It kindof looks like stars are shooting out of there!

 From my friend Carla...love this
"You can safely assume that you've created G-d in your own image when it turns out that G-d hates all the same people you do."

As you can tell we had a fluent conversation day yesterday.
KA introducing his sister to a boy " This is my sister KE. She is a drama queen!"

Also:
"Am I being too quiet?"
"No"
"Don't you want to hear my beautiful voice?"

Yesterday on the condition of Kylee's apartment
KU "It looks like a pig style in here almost like a tormato came through here!"

 Yesterday:
KU "I want to know how babies are made!"
Amy the tutor "That is something you learn about when you are older."
KU "Never mind I will just Google it."

 Someone around here ate an autism sandwich for breakfast!

 My "Being Bothered About Stupid Shit" in box is full. Please do not try to fill the box with more STUPID SHIT until the box has been emptied and refurbished sometime in 2040.

 ‎"Mom your conscience is going to die if you don't start listening to it"- KU .This in response to my putting a jelly bean in my mouth while on a diet. Believe me I have the diet gestapo on my butt around here.

Girls

So it seems that KU is having some sort of difficulty with a girl at school. He gets frustrated with me because I am not understanding and ask him to explain again to which he replies, "If only you were a GIRL you would understand what I mean!"

Thanks son.

It's Like Herding Cats

So KA is "herding" the tutors and mom down the street when Taylor says, "What are we cows?"

KA responds " Well you are suppose to keep up with me" 

Taylor: " I'm going to stop walking if you are going to call me a cow" to which Karson replies, " Well then I'm going to have to milk you."

Beware of Hazardous Birds

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TODAY. So we are walking towards the cafeteria to attend KUs poem recital. I ask Dave how his day went. He replies "It was a shitty day." And at that second a bird pooped all over his shirt. I kid you not!

Score One For The Man

Me: Well I started my diet today
KU: Why?
Me: Because I am too fat
KU: I think you are perfect just the way you are right now.
Me: (thinking to self) This kid is either going to be the greatest con man alive or he is going to become a reincarnate of Richard Simmons and all the women will love him.

I Can't Believe I Just Did That!

 I AM THE LOSER MOM OF THE UNIVERSE!!! I was giving Karson his meds tonight and accidently gave him one of my meds. I HAVE NEVER, EVER done both our meds at the same time before tonight. Called poison control and they said he should be fine. LOSER MOM STRIKES AGAIN!!!

Attacked

I heard KA telling this to KU on the way to school this morning.
KA: She's fierce. I am telling them they don't want to mess with her. She keeps attacking me and I am warning the other kids off. I'm trying to save their lives and their limbs.
Me: KA, if someone is attacking you then you need to tell the principal.
Karson: I CAN'T tell the principal!!!!!
Me: Why not?
Karson: It's my sister!

Love Sick

So third grader, KA, says to me "How do you know if you love somebody?"
Me: "You mean someone like your mom?"
KA: "No, I mean a girl."
Me: (Thinking "what do you think I'm not a girl? thanks bud!" Which is quickly replaced by "holy crap, you are only 8...I don't want to listen to this...but on the positive side it does answer that question of whether or not he is gay)" Well," I begin, " when you are in love your body feels all tingly when you get near that person and you really just want to be around them all the time because they makes your heart feel good."
KA: (who now drops to the floor and with a big sigh declares) "I guess I'm in love then."

Only My Boys

So KU's teacher comes out to tell me KU had a "little problem" at school today. Seems he was working on his math paper talking all the while to the girl "next door." He brings his paper up to the teacher and she notices the last three problems have no work shown so she has no way of knowing how he got the answer. She says, "KU, what were you thinking? You have to show your work. Really, what were you thinking here? He looks at her and says "I was thinking that Kim is really good at math and knows all the answers so it would probably be best for me to just to copy her paper." She being the wonderful teacher she is says " Boy that was very brave of you to tell me the truth." So she told him to erase his answers, go back to his seat and re-do the problems this time showing his work.