Monday, May 14, 2007


Ever since we returned from Belize I have been unable to get back to blogging. Seems that once I lose my way I have a hard time finding the path again. So I will just write a Kullenism as said by 5 yo Kullen.

Kullen:I am scaring myself today
Me: Why are you afraid?
Kullen: I'm becoming a teenager again!

Yep bud that is enough to scare anyone isn't it!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

What Does God Know?

Over on one of the adoption BB the subject of G*D came up again. Specifically, how G*D gives us the children we were meant to have, how we were paired with our children through G*D's will and his perfect timing. How G*D planned that our children should end up in our specific family. And this type of talk always confuses me. Because it gives credit to G*D for all the good that comes into our lives due to the adoption of our children yet does not place the "blame" at G*D's feet for our children's first families imploding in on themselves.

Oh I know that people say that it all comes down to free will. That people makes mistakes and that G*D makes sure that beauty comes out of painful situations. But I ask myself if this is indeed true why didn't G*D do a better job of choosing a parent for my boys. I mean afterall, I am not the most patient person. Why didn't God choose a mother for these boys who had the patience of a saint? Or why didn't G*D pick a family that had unlimited financial resources so that my boys could have a special OT gym in their basement. I mean, geex, I don't even have a basement!!! Or why is it that G*D chose a family for them that met the eligible income requirement for international adoption? Why not a wonderful two parent family who both work at
7-11 but would read 10 books a day to their kids, and help them build birdhouses every week. Why wouldn't he give people who are less financially sound the same opportunity to experience the joy of raising a child as I have been given? For if the truth be told my kids will be lucky to do three arts and crafts projects during their life time with me as their mother. And if it is true that we all have lessons to learn and that is why we are chosen why is it my kids responsibility to suffer their fool of a mother? Why should they be the guinea pigs for me to practice improving myself upon? I struggle with the fact that some adoptive parents are of the opinion that they were more "right/qualified/entitled" to parent their mutual child than was his first mother.Why? Why would G*D allow hurt and hardship to enter my son's birthmothers life in order that I get my desires satisfied while her desires are pushed aside.

Or another question. Why me, a quasi believer as opposed to a strong conservative Christian or Jewish family? I mean if G*D is wanting people to enter into the kingdom of heaven with him and knowing how my kids lives have already endured such loss; then why wouldn't he put them with a family that will provide all the underpinnings to ensure that their child gets to sit at the right hand of G*D? A family who prays together everyday, worships G*D and doesn't say his name in vain.

Or is it not like this at all. Does G*D really have no say so. The pile on the SW's desk is just a pile. But that G*D believes that when he gives us the gift of a child that it doesn't matter if that child is in the middle of the pile or the bottom. It doesn't matter how our children come to us just that we do they best job we know how when we get them. That we are there for them...that HE is there for them...and that is all that really matters anyway.