Losing One's Marbles At Trader Joe's

At Trader Joe's this evening, just KA and I. So he is pushing the cart and kind of flapping around. After several times of me telling him to stop I grabbed the cart and started flapping my arms like a damn chicken and making clucking noises..VERY LOUDLY...I must say everyone was looking at me. KA got embarrased at which point I said to him, "So why is it you can do things and you think it isn't embarrasing and then I flap and cluck like a chicken and you are embarrased?" He replied, "I don't know mom but if you promise not to peck at the floor I promise not to tell Dad you lost your marbles."

Skin Color 101

So Taylor the tutor is talking to KA about skin color. "Some people like me have pink skin, some have brown skin, some tan and some have yellow skin." KA "What happened? Nuclear Radiation?"


In case you don't know it KA's ethnicity is Korean.

Stuck on Genetic Engineering

KA: So, I have a few ideas about genetic engineering. I am thinking it would not be good to make a Killer Whale/Great White Shark Combination.

Me: Probably not

KA: A herbivorous dinosaur would be okay but I dont think a carnivorious one would be appreciated.

Me: Right again

KA: I am thinking that bird-like dinosaur and a very fast runner may produce an interesting result. Or maybe a fish and a giant squid so you could feed the world....I forgot. I don't like fish. Okay then maybe an otter and popcorn.

Me: Huh?

KA: It would produce an Otter Pop! Just seeing if you're listening, Mom. Just seeing if you are listening.

Engineered

KA: I just don't understand it.
Me: What don't you understand?
KA: She's quiet as a mouse, she is ferocious as a tiger, she is as swift as a deer, she's as mean as a badger and she looks as innocent as a kitten. Mom, has KE been genetically engineered?

The Olden Days Part Gazillion

KU: So what did you do in the olden days, mom?
Me: What are you wanting to know (thinking I'm not getting sucked into this sandtrap again!)
KU: Well, like what did you do when you were bored?
Me: Well, I helped my mother with the laundry. Or I did the dishes. Or I cleaned the bathroom.
KU: I don't believe that mom.
Me: Why not ( I ask innocently)
KU: Because those are all things that you want me to do
KA: Yeah, I think she is using reverse psychology on us. Don't fall for it. Protect yourself.
KU: No, mom, seriously, what did you do?
Me: Okay, I went out and rode my bike
KU: Did bikes look like they do today?
Me: Of course
KU: What you are saying is IMPOSSIBLE
Me: Why is that?
KU: They hadn't invented the wheel yet.

Drawback of Scotland

Me: Maybe we should move to Scotland
KA: I like the American way of life
Me: What exactly is the American way of life
KA: Swimming pools, movie stars and not walking around so much
Me: So you are saying that you like just sitting around doing nothing and living your life through the rich and famous?
KA: Exactly. This other stuff is hard work!

Walking with KA Conversation 2

Walking with KA Conversation 2

KA: So mom when we get home are you going to step on that thing

Me: What thing?

KA: You know the thing that makes you cry and lie

Me: What are you talking about?

KA: You know that thing that tells you what you weigh and then you cry and moan and then say "I won't eat ice cream the rest of the week"...and then you do. And then you cry harder the next week and then the whole thing starts over again.

Me: You mean the scale

KA: Yep that it. Why won't you get on it? Are you afraid it will break? I saw something about truck scales weighing things that were big. Do you think you might want to try one of those?

Walking with K

Walking with KA:

Me: Why won't you read Harry Potter?

KA: It has cats

Me: So what. What is the problem with cats?

KA: I don't like them. They remind me of something that is pure evil

Me: What is that?

KA:KE.

Me: KE is NOT evil.

Karson. Okay but she does scratch like a wild cat. Sometimes I think she is really just an evil cat just like that woman/cat in Harry Potter. That is why I don't read books about cats or Harry Potter because they remind me of her.

The Oldness Remover Invention

KU: Mom, you just had a birthday, right.

Me: Yes, KU

KU: And you didn’t like it because you are so old

Me: Something like that

Kullen: Well, I have an invention that might help

Me: So what is it

KU: It is an invention that removes oldness

Me: Really . How does it work?

KU: You put the person in one end of this big box and when they come out the other end they are younger

Me: Does that mean I would be your age when I came out

KU: You can’t expect miracles. Nothing can remove that much oldness.

Me: Thanks son. So how much oldness could it remove?

KU: About 60 years

Me: Kullen I am only 50. Thanks again.

KU leaves the room and comes back a minute later

KU: I thought of a better invention

Me: What’s that?

KU: a machine that snatches back your words before someone else hears them

Me: That’s a great idea. It might even save your live someday.

KU: That’s why I thought of it.

Mr. Talks Alot

Me: KA you can't be doing things like that. Other people don't like it.

KA: But mom I'm an adorable boy

Me: KA, I think you are adorable but not everyone else on the planet does

KA: Why not?

Me: It's called love, KA. Love makes the people who love you think you are adorable when others who don't love you may not think so

KA: Okay, well then I am just cute....actually I am a little too cute. I think sometimes I am so cute someone might kidnap me.

Me: That is why you need to stay close to your parents and not go off on your own.

KA: I think I do have one thing going for me if I am kidnapped

Me: What is that, Karson.

KA: I talk alot. That might make them give me back.

Me: It's a definate possibility, son. A definate possibility.

THoughts on Turning 50

• • So How Does It Feel Turning 50?
    
    Frankly, it sucks but it is better than dying in the toilet with your pants down. I mean at this age the probability of that happening increases with every trip too the bathroom.
    
    Turning 50 makes you grumpy. It becomes a perpetual state of being because everything gets even bigger than when you were in your forties. Your medical bills, your waist size, and your appetite. Even your ears get longer...and why? What exactly is the point of having bigger ears at this point in one's life? I really don't want to hear the normal everyday crap. Frankly, I just want to tune my kids constant arguing out. I really don't have a need for longer ears at this point in my life but I suppose since I have two they will just match my not-so-perky breasts. Yep, their giddy-up-and-go, to my dismay, turned into how low will you go? And need I remind you that your feet also get bigger. Why so you can trip over them and break a hip? Oh yeah, and your nose also grows. Really! I already paid for one nose job does this mean I will need another...and at this age vanity about one's appearance is just not attractive. You may raise, nip and tuck but you certainly don't talk about it.
    
    Another not so pleasant aspect of turning 50 is that you develop gas...bad gas. The roll down your window down for 5 minutes, blow fresh-ar-in-your-face kind. The "ewww are we driving by a dairy or something?" kind of farts. It's then that you realize that your only option to prevent cow comparisions are to live on foods such as liver and onions and tomato juice. Nasty digusting foods but luckily your taste buds are also going on the fritz so suddenly silk worms seem palatable.
    
    And did I mention hot flashes? The kind that can light up  New York City. The kind that mean you have to wash your sheets on a daily basis. I don't know about you but I kind of feel like at this age the laundry should be getting less and not growing into monsterous unending piles
    of drugery.
    
    Fifty is when you start thinking your cellulite looks good compared to the rest of you. It's when chin hairs become a topic of conversation...though I might add that I really know nothing about the subject...I've only heard about it from the "bloomer" crowd.
    
    You also start considering your options for funerals and do complex calculations to determine if buying the plot now is more cost effective than waiting for when its needed. And if you are smart you leave written instructions instead of letting your kids decide you look good in red when you know all it does is make you look  all washed up and out. So in order to avoid this type of embarrassment I have planned my funeral down to my last breath. It will go something like this if I have my way about it:
    
    First of all I want a tape played at my funeral. "THought You Got Rid Of Me, Did You? You didn't think a controlling person like me would go that easily without having the last word, did you? Really? And I will tell everyone those pearls of wisdom I gleaned like "Marge, you know how you always thought those honking horns that happened when you weeded the yard were for that perpetual smile you had plastered on your face? They weren't. Honey, its because when you bend over like that you have plumbers butt and everyone was really just saluting the moon."
    
    Oh and that nude picture taken of me when I was 22....I want it blown up to 20x40 size and placed in the church hall. I should have loved and appreciated that "hot mama" body then not 30 years later.  And on the napkins I want printed 'Girls take tons of bikini shots when you are in your 20's...you will never look better and you will never regret it.'
    
    The pallbearers? Well, I want them to be cabana boys in speedos with purple bow ties who then return after I am in the hearse to serve the ladies at the reception. I didn't get them when I was a live so I want my friends to enjoy them compliments of me. Leave plenty of $1 bills out on the table for the girls!
    
    Music. Hymns...I think not. I will be making a compilation of my favorite songs. I do know that I want LOLA by the Kinks blasting the roof off the church.
    
    Casket. Well, I want Kullen to draw cartoons all over my 'Eternal Rest in Peace' box.  And I want him to leave space for my friends and loved ones to write whatever they want. Sharpies of all colors to be provided.Be sure to write something that will cause a scandal. I never caused enough of them in life so I want something really juicy in death. Then after the burial I want someone to take my ashes (yes I still want the headstone) and bury them somewhere out in the great beyond. Then in 20 years send my grandkids on a round the world scavenger hunt for my urn. Whomever finds it gets my charred remains plus $20,000 and pretty good deal if you ask me.
    
    Now about my final resting place. After all this geneological work and realizing I have not had the benefits of castles and such that my late relatives did, so, in death I wish to be treated like the princess I was meant to be. Like Diana I want my body placed on an island where people have to take 5 minutes out of their busy lives and row out to see me. A pit toilet should be within an easy 2 minute walk as I want there to be no excuse for anyone peeing on my grave. In this vein I think an appropriate epitath would be "THe Toilet Is To The Left" or maybe a slot where visitors can deposit a quarter to use the loo and the words "See You Can Take It With You esp When You Control The Toilet Paper!" Other considerations are "Now What In The Hell Do You Want?" or "Leave Me The Hell Alone...Can't You See I am Sleeping!"
    
    I am counting on you. And don't let Dad plan my funeral because there would be three long boring hymns, rolls  smothered in butter and mayo with turkey stuffed inside  with lime jello on the side.You know, standard Midwest funeral food. Even though that sounds better than my actual cooking I want people to get a good meal...they never got one when I was alive! Splurge on a caterer.
    
    Finally, for goodness sakes take my pictures down before Dad starts dating. No woman should have to walk into a house and see some dead woman staring back at her. And make sure she knows the Toll House Cookie Recipe by heart because I have come to the conclusion that this one thing is truly the secret to a happy marriage!
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
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Wrinkles

KU:Mom why do you waste your time ironing my clothes?

Me: (Yes, why do I... by the time you get dressed it already looks like a truck ran over it) Because I am a mom that cares about her kids

KU: Why don't you just iron my clothes when they are on me?

Me: Because putting a hot iron on a child is called child abuse and I don't want to hurt you.

KU: So wouldn't it be cheaper to iron all the wrinkles out of your face than to get that shot? It would take longer to get all the wrinkles but you would save a lot of money.

Chest Hair

Karson has his chest sticking out and his body in a contorted position.
Me: What are you doing, Karson?
Karson: I am watching and waiting for my chest hair to grow.


After posting this on Facebook my friend writes
 If my husband stuck his head out, would his hair grow back?

Be Careful Asking Questions Around Karson

At church today the minister has all the children up front for the Children's Service. She asks the kids what "alleeluja" means. Karson responds "It is what you say when you strike gold." She responds "I think you are thinking of Eureka!" He then asks her "What do eggs have to do with Christ anyway?" This is followed by "And what is the bunny stuff all about?" I just don't get that!" Of course by now the entire congregation is cracking up.

Traditions in the US of A

I will confess I am a terrible friend as well as a wife. But let no one say I don't know how to put together a good joke.

 Our friends from the Chech Republic were going to say goodbye to Dave as they wouldl be leaving tomorrow. I told them that it was a tradition in the United States that when you say goodbye you give the person a big hug and then you kick them in the ass (literally) Further, if you don't do this they will feel horrible because it meant that your guests did not have a good time and will not come back.

So Dave comes downstairs and Marie says, "Dave we will not see you in the morning so I must say good-bye now." So Marie walks up to Dave, she hugs him and then kicks him in the butt. Dave, good-natured that he is looks a little confused but laughs. Then Petr walks up to Dave gives him a big hug and kicks him in the ass too. Of course by now I am laughing so hard that they all know that something has happened that I am responsible for. I have to tell you we all almost wet our pants laughing at the new American tradition that has been started at our house.

Beets

In preparation for our upcoming trip to Scotland I have been working on our family trees through Ancestry.com Recently we have found we are related to many Kings and Queens from France, England, the Netherlands, etc. Needless to say this has provoked many interesting conversations around our house.
Karson: Beets? Beets? You know I don't like beets.
Me: You are going to have to try them. They will taste great.
Karson: I know what happened to the kings in our family
Me: What
Karson: Their mothers fed them beets
Me: Eating beets has never killed anyone
Karson: Want to make a bet? I bet if you analyzed their stomach contents you would find beets.
Me: Why Do you think that?
Karson: Anything can be hidden in beets
(Not to be outdone) Kullen: Yeah the color hides everything
Karson: I am sure they were poisoned with beets
Me: Doubtful. Who would want to poison them?
Karson: THeir mothers
Me: WHATTTTTTTTT? No mothers would poison their children.
Karson: Oh yes they would
Me: COme on Karson. You are letting your imagination run away with you
Why would a mother do that?
Karson: Because they want the power.
Me: What?
Karson: Women didn't have power. And they wanted it. It's been that way through history. Mothers always want to find a way to control their children. You can't deny it can you?! And beets were the way to power.
Me: You will still be eating your beets.
Karson: Drats. I thought this little history lesson would change my history with beets.
Me: No way, dude.

Break Time

I don't know about you but for me helping my kids with their homework is about to do me in. Really...you don't know the answer even though you just told it to me not 10 seconds ago? Really....you don't get that the problem you just did was like the 50 before it only with different numbers? Needless to say, I never had a calling to teach, so why, I ask myself during the long arduous homework marathon, am I the one always sitting here helping with the homework?  Finally, I think I have an answer to the question. I have concluded that homework is a test from God. She figures if you can work for ten minutes with your own little darling, the one you gained 50 pounds carrying and the one you have given up any hope of finding even a smidgen of privacy from; if you can do math without choking them at minute seven then you can probably fit in with just about anyone who you might bump into around heaven. Unfortunately, I have been failing the test lately. I can only hope God in her infinite wisdom gives you a 2000 out of 3000 chance to prove yourself. Still, as it stands now, after five children, the odds are against me.

Last week while helping KU with his homework I began to feel my knees start shaking at minute three, a full-blown headache arrived by minute four and by minute five I began to wonder if a glass of wine might help even if it was at 3:30 p.m. Then, right before my body began to slide under the table my usually very un-astute eight- year-old son looked at me and said, "Mom you look like you need a break. I find that they really help release the tension. Why don't you go and take one now and I will call you back in five minutes or when I need your help, whatever comes first."

And it was in that moment that I realized that God really was looking out for me but more importantly she was looking out for him. God knows when we need a break and sends others to tell us. Sometimes we have to look to find them and other times they are standing right before us. Either way, sometimes we just need to be reminded to treat ourselves and the ones we love with kindness and compassion by taking a break from those things that are doing us in for the moment or over time. Big break or little one it really doesn't matter just as long as you allow yourself the gift of breaking in life to attend to your own needs.

Betty Davis Eyes

The things your kids share with you in the car.

KA: I think it would be awesome to be able to read someone's mind.

Me: Why is that

KA: Because you could do all sorts of wonderful things for them like buy them the puppy they have always wanted.

Me: KA, you are the one who wants a puppy

KA: I'm just saying...you know there would be one time when it wouldn't be so good to know what someone is thinking.

Me: When would that be?

KA: When they are sitting on the toilet going to the bathroom. I mean the things that go through your mind when you are on the toilet...well they are just not things you want others to know

Me: Is that why you spend 30 minutes at a time in the bathroom?

KA: Might be

Two minutes later

KA just earned a reward of new Pokemon cards. As he opens the pack "Ah, the sweet smell of goodness and evil all wrapped up in one."

Scotch

From KA: What do you mean the Scottish don't speak Scottish. The English speak ENglish. The French speak French. Koreans speak Korean. How come the Scottish don't speak Scotch? 

Me: Scotch is a drink, honey. 

KA: Well I guess I'll have to take up drinking so I can understand them."

Dittites

Dave to our 6 yo daughter: "KE, who is our President?"
KE : "O'rock Obama."


KA to tutor " When my mom and Ky talk there are a lot of exclamation points and very few periods."

THE "FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" LIST

I don't know about you but as a mom there seems to be some sort of invisible list that hangs over my head, flapping in the breeze to remind me of its presence. THE LIST consists of all the things my kids must do at least once so that I can check off one more box that assures me that I AM A GOOD MOM. Trying new food. The latest, brocolli....check. Yearly pictures at Sears...oops missed that one...but now that I am aware of that fact by next Tuesday it will be done...semi-check. Playing the piano...okay not ready for Carnegie Hall but does know where middle C is located...check. Now Dave is the sports minded one in our family but because two of our three children get crazed if something as small as an ant touches them trying to knock out the numerous athletic activies...well, its a challenge. If I had my druthers I would just scratch that whole section off THE LIST as several family members consider high quality endurance sports akin to laying on the couch and dipping ruffled potato chips into dip. (the endurance part comes when you have to turn the chip around and dip again being careful not to double-dip) But I have a fear that scratch outs might just not get you into heaven so I persist in introducing my kids to new sports knowing in my heart of hearts that is what all GOOD moms do. This is what lead us to the Gateway Ice Skating rink yesterday afternoon where the kids attempted ice skating for the first time.

 I will admit that sometimes it seems as though it takes a while for my kids to get comfortable with new activities. First we have to check out each and every toilet in the entire facility. If the seat is comfortable then my kids might give it a try. If not, we are OUTTA there.

Next comes that vending machines. If they have anything gluten free and casesin free then no matter what comes next the day will be considered a success.

Finally, throw in a 16 yo cashier who is making minimum wage but will answer every one of the 20,000 questions through at them about the history of the sport, the equipment used and the rules of the sport, then participation is a definite maybe. Better yet, if the cashier can quote numerous safety statstics; then its a go. Yes, even contemplating sports can be an exhausting endeavor.

So after spending 1/2 hour tying and re-typing the skates, using the bathroom...again... and learning to walk on blades the time had come for the kids to make their way onto the ice. If, as the old adage goes, you can smell fear; then the fumes around our family was the pungent odor that follows you about three hours after eating grandma's chili. You just couldn't shake it. Feet started going every which way but forward and the sound of buttoms slapping the ice...HARD... reverberated throughout the arena. To top it off, I pulled my back out trying to hold up one child while falling down with another. Mom was done and judging from the little faces surrounding me, the vending machine owner was about to become a very rich man.

Kullen put a brave face on and after once around decided taking his hands off the railing was more to his liking. Kellis whined until her daddy escorted her like the princess she is around the rink. But I knew all was lost in regards to Karson when he spent 1/2 hour going 1/2 around the rink with his toes turned in towards the wood paneling the entire time. Never have a seen a child so happy as when he took his blades off the ice. After exiting the rink he looked up at me and said, "Well, those were absolutely the worst minutes I have ever spent in my entire life!" And needless to say,  his assessment didn't get any better except until Dave bought hot chocolate.

Later, on the way home, Karson talked about the experience. His take? "Well, I am glad that is over. I did it once, it's a no go and thank goodness I will never have to do that again. Now, mom, what else can we cross of your list of things I have to do?"

"What list?"

"You know, the one that you have that makes me try everything for my own good even though we both know I am going to hate it. So really, this list is really about you. Why don't we just leave it at that!"

And with that he was done. But I'm not. I want to know how he knew about THE LIST?

...And The Ending Never Comes

The other day a friend on FB talked about reading with her son and how all his questions made her want to stab herself in the eye. I totally get that because there is nothing worse than someone who:
A. Fancies themselves an editor and wants to re-write the story in Vulcan and of course not knowing a word of Vulcan decides you must
B. Doesn't understand Rule # 215 of reading which is one person reads at a fairly rapid clip while adding appropriate silly voices while the other person shuts-up, sits still and just LISTENS.
Now obviously, if you know my son, you know he does not understand rule #215 or any of the 214 Reading Rules that come before it. Witness a conversation that we once had several years ago as I began to read Goldilocks and The Three Bears.


Me: "Once upon a time there were three bears."
KA: "How do you know there were three bears, Mommy?"
Me: " Because that story is named Goldilocks and the THREE Bears. 
KA: "What about if two other bears were lost in the forest so there were really five bears?" 
Me: "Son, it's THREE bears. It's not the eight bears or the five bears. It's the THREE bears.
KA:"Yeah, you are probably right. Bears often have twins but not three cubs." 
"Great," I think to myself. Can we finish now? 
Me: "Once upon a time there was a Poppa bear, a Momma bear and a wee little bear."
KA: "Mom, that cannot be right. Male bears do not stay with the female bears and their cubs."
Me: "Well, in this story it did, son."
KA: "Well, it is not accurate then." 
Me: "Son, it is a FAIRY TALE. It is not suppose to be accurate."
KA: "Why not? Don't the Fairies speak English?"
Me: "Honey, fairy tales are fun stories they don't have to have really happened."
KA: 'So they are lies? Why would they tell kids lies?"
Me: "Because Walt Disney wanted to build a theme park to make them happy."
KA: "That sounds reasonable."
Me: "Can we get back to the story now?"
KA: "Sure mommy."
Me: "Okay so there was the Pappa bear, the Momma bear and the Baby bear."
KA: "But Mom..."
Me: "Okay,  for the sake of clarity," I hissed, "The Poppa Bear joined the Million Man March which taught him that to be a real man he needed to stay with and help provide for his young."
KA: "Mom?"
Me: "WHAT????????????"
KA: "Mom this is a boring book. May I go to bed now?"


Seriously, I think Robin and I need to "read" sign language books to our kids.

Pivital Moments

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping and KA was with me. As I told him to follow me back to the fitting rooms he looked at me with horror on his face and said, "Oh gross, I don't want to see you nude." 
"Well, son," I replied "I wasn't going to let you into the room with me. I was going to have you park it here in this chair."
"Thank goodness," he said. " I think that could have been a piviotal moment in my life that could have turned out really bad; kind of like a nightmare that never ends!"

Critical Mass

KA spends inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom. He goes there to think and ponder life while doing his duty. The problem with all this thinking is that it doesn't leave time for contemplating the amount of toilet paper that is being used per dump. This results in massive backups in the plumbing system. 


Today I am thinking that KA pooping has reached Critical Mass...number of trees left on earth x amount of toilet paper used by son = mass extinction of humankind. 


Can someone find me a plunger....AGAIN!!!!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME #5,796,823 Or DON"T TAKE FOOD FROM MY KIDS

Sometimes I just shake my head and surrender.  I mean,sometimes, there is just nothing else to do but that. Today was one of those days

So I am downstairs with KU when he says to me, "Mom, KA dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"That's too bad," I said.

"But Mom, he dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"Did he flush it?" I ask.

"No"

"So where is it?"

"KA has it"

"KA," I yell at the top of my lungs, "Come down here please."

"Okay Mom"

"KA did you drop your pack of gum in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom, I did"

"So where is it?"

"Right here," he says pulling it out of his pocket.

Then it dawns on me....

"KA, is the gum you are chewing, the gum you dropped in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom"

Tutor Taylor and I just stare at each other, incredulous, until she recovers and says "KA gum that has been in the toilet has germs. Go spit it out right now!"

KA runs to spit it out....then KU follows right behind him and spits his out!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? REALLY????? After that lollipop incident in the pit toilet? Didn't you learn anything then?????????? Granted you were only 5 but PLEASSSSSSE that is one of the lessons that should never be a repeat.

"KA, why did you think it was okay to fish your pack of gum out of the toilet?"

"Well, I let it dry out first!"

Remember,  the rule......NEVER, EVER, EVER take anything you put in your mouth from my children. NEVER!!!!!!!! Taking anything food from my kids can be hazardous to your health!!!!! Consider this to be a warning and some sort of legal publication!!!!

A Dinner COnversation

"What happened to Uncle John," asks KA.

"He went to heaven," said Dave.

"It is scientifically impossible for a man to survive in clouds without falling down, " said KA. "I mean a person weighs more than 100 pounds so they couldn't be sitting on clouds."

Dave: "Well, it isn't the body that is up in the clouds it is the spirit. When you die you lose your body which frees your spirit."

"So are all those spirits dodging airplanes up there?," asks KA.

"Spirits are higher than the airplanes," replies Dave.

"So they are dodging all the satellites and space junk?" the young one says.

"No" Dave Replies

"Why not, Dad" says KE

"They don't have to," says the Dad.

THe conversation then steers to the Old Testament vs. The New Testament.

"The Old Testmant is B.C. and the New Testament is A.D," I state.

"Oh, so you mean A.D. is AFTER DINOSAURS and B.C. is BEFORE CAVEMEN," concludes KA.

I Was Mind F***** By My Nine Year Old

"If one can drown their sorrows in lemon meringue pie than I am surely floating out to sea without a life raft!"~ Me

So today I was called to school because KA was acting up and out. He kept calling out for this stuffed dog, snuggles. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Even kicked his aide which has never happened before. So I went to school armed with cleaning products (natural of course) and a trash bag for picking up leaves to add to my compost pit. Seems this all started because A) I caught KA trying to take his dinosaur book to school and removed it from his backpack B) seems I forgot to give him his medicine. Score two for the Loser Mom of the Year award. So KA is cleaning the tables in the cafeteria and it turns out he is having a great old time and would much rather be doing that than to be in class. Project CLean THe School backfired on me. Hmmmmmm, I have to think of something new to stay one step ahead of him. 

So today when he gets home he is still out of sorts and totally misbehaving. Finally, I told him that since he could only talk about snuggles that I would be taking Snuggles and keeping him with me and that if he did a good job at school tomorrow he could have him back; which I might add he went with quite readily which surprised me. So about an hour later his tutor, Amy, is asking him to write down three things he could have done differently at school regarding the SNUGGLES EPISODE. He tells her "Who is Snuggles?" and just starts screwing with her. "I don't know a Snuggles?" "Who is Snuggles again?" "I don't know any snuggles" at which point I mistakenly decide to call  his bluff and up the ante. So the next time he says he doesn't know who Snuggles is I say, "Well, since you don't know him I guess it won't matter to you if I take him out to the fire pit and burn him up" to which KA replies "I"ll get the marshmallows!!!!!!!!!!!!" Amy and I look at him dumbfounded. What this is his best friend and he wants to roast him right along with the somores?!!!!!!!!!!

So I try again impressing upon the fact that Snuggles is going to be a heap of ashes when he is done in the fire pit and KA's response is, " Bring on the marshmallows". Now I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I have put my own self there!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH! How can I do this to myself????? When will I ever learn???????????? But I now have no choice but to march Snuggles out to a fiery demise. So up the stairs I climb like a soldier leading a prisoner to the guillotine. And as I hold the doomed dog in my hands looking at Amy with a 'please help me get out of this mess' kind of look; down the stairs comes KU with tears in his eyes. 

"You can't burn Snuggles up, you just can't" and the floodgates let loose. "KA loves Snuggles and Snuggles has been a loyal friend."..,..saved by an eight year old.  "You are right KU and since KA doesn't care about Snuggles anymore and you have spared his life he is now yours." (Thank you KU. Bless your kind compassionate soul 1000 times over)

To which KA says "Shucks no marshmallows!"

Which means I will not sleep all night as I try to figure this whole situation out and how I should or should not handle future situations because it is obvious I am being mind f----- by a nine year old and I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks Again Son

Finishing KA's mission project for school.
KA: It's okay mom. Kids think better than the elderly (meaning me!)

Kicking SOme Bunny Bootie

Not sure if I should be writing about this because not sure I want anything thinking any less of me than you already do (which really should not be hard when I really think about it.) BUT, we are staying at The Palms ( beautiful suites BTW). Now, it just so HAPPENS that The Palms has the only Playboy Bunny Club in the nation and it also just so happens my husband made the reservation to stay at this hotel. Hmmmm is this just purely coincidence or should I by into his story that this hotel had the best rooms for the cheapest price? All I know is that when I pick a hotel I have never picked one that had the words Bunny, Bambi or Thumper in it nor have the rooms had sofas so slick than when you sit on them you slide to the other end. But I regress.

So we decide to head up to the Playboy Club with some friends (but in my husbands defense we only went there because he was given the tickets for free for booking said room...hmmmmm) Well, first of all there was no place to sit down unless you "purchased" a table and spent a lot of money on booze. Strike one. 

The drinks were horribly expensive, there were only five Bunnies, and the ratio of past-their-prime men to men-who-might-get lucky was astronomical. My chances of striking it rich on a lottery ticket were looking mighty good in comparison. Strike two. 

The Bunnies just stood around talking to themselves and were actually quite rude to the over-the-hill group. But in truth they didn't just single out that group they were rude to just about anyone who dared to interrupt their Bunny Chatter.  They posed with the nice guys who just wanted a picture to remember their Wild Night In Las Vegas so when they were 90 and drooling on themselves they could think about The Good Old Days. And after every pose they had a look on their face like they deserved hazard pay. They were the kind of girls that expected men to be so dazzled by their beauty and thought they were so special that the only men they would talk to were the ones with big diamonds on their fingers. You know the kind...think back to high school. 

So we stayed about 20 minutes and right before we were going to leave I asked a Bunny if she would pose for a picture with my MAN (I mean every man needs proof if only in his dreams that he has been to the Playboy Club once in his life (and believe me he will ONLY be there once! LOL!) So she gets this tight look on her face kind of like she is ready to rip a big one and is trying to hold it in. I snap the picture and she steps back with "the look" which made me get out mine. "Listen here, _____, " I am thinking in my head. "My man is HOT and you had better treat him that way. Twenty four years of marriage and five kids later he is still the sexiest thing in the room. Who do you think you are? I should just tear your scrawny ass bunny ears off of the top of your head and rip the tail off your hinnie. You didn't know it but you were standing right next to the dictionary definition of a GREAT MAN AND HUSBAND. He's a man who has sacrificed for his family on a daily basis. He's been a leader for our kids activities and has inspired all of us to do better ( which is why I am not beating your bad-ass-Bunny ass right this moment). He has helped those in need and has been a coach cheering the last-kid-picked onto victory. You don't know it but you were just standing next to a gem...a 24 carat gold upstanding man. And that, my dear, is why your and your nest of rabbits, are now, and will  forever be, referred to as nothing more than DUMB BUNNIES!

Justification Is Just A Small Part Of It

For the first time ever, KA, kicked his tutor when he had that meltdown at school a week ago. Today in the car we told him that he needed to write that apology letter to her that he has been procrastinating about writing.

KA: Mom, it would be in HER best interest for me not to write the letter.

Me: Why is that, KA?

KA: "Wouldn't that just be confusing to her for me to write a letter like that after I already apologized in person?"

Yep, nice of you to be so concerned about her welfare son. Too bad you were not when you kicked her.

More Conversations In The Car

Dave and I are talking about the scientist who is wanting to clone a Woolly Mammoth.

KA from the back of the car: "I hear you."

"Okay, you hear us so what do you think?"

KA: " Really, they need to clone a herbavoire not a carnavoire; Preferably something small because they cause less destruction. A woolly mammoth would probably be okay because it is a herbivore.

"Well, what about if they cloned a dragon"

"Well, if they cloned a dragon it would have to be a herbvious dragon but frankly, it is a bad idea because they breath fire. I would really suggest to this man that they clone something small and one that eats insects because there are way to many insects in the world. It needs to be some type of omnivorous creature."

Later

KA "There is a thing I just don't understand. "

Me :Yeah most people don't understand nuclear fusion or stuff like that (thinking we are going to have some sort of big revelation.)

KA: "Why do they say violets are blue when they aren't."

Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"

KA: "You know Roses are red, Violets are blue. They aren't blue they are violet like the name. Who comes up with these things, anyway?"