Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Homework Globlins

I recently heard that we have a budget crisis in our educational system. Districts are selling their souls to fast food conglomerates in order to save money now at the expense of our kids health in the future. But have no fear, Cheryl's here. As it turned out I stumbled upon this idea early this morning while trying to deliver the kids to the bus on time and in one piece (hard labor is an easier task) without me pulling all my hair out or diving under the tires of fast moving mini van for a momentary reprieve. And if the truth be known,  I really must confess that hate this part of the school year. There are no holidays to give you a break from the homework demons and winter solstice seems a million miles away. Yes, at this point in the school year the only thing a parent can look forward to is catching the flu to get out of being on homework duty.

I have also noticed by this time of the year the novelty of school has worn off for all involved. Involuntary twitching can be seen in teachers everywhere, parents recite times tables in their sleep while Jr. can't remember that any number times zero is ZERO, and our children's homework papers are crammed into their backpacks intertwined with last week's school notices that never made it home. The Return To School and the Keep At School sections of the homework notebook have become a mishmash of writing that is barely legible but could definitely qualify for an A in Swahili. In addition, the right corner of my son's backpack holds last weeks peanut butter and jelly sandwich which lays limply; growing mold for some science project that is due in 2012. But even worse than all that is that around this time of year it marks the return of The Homework Thief. You know him. He stars in the daily early-morning soap; The Case Of The Missing Homework. And he never fails to show up especially the morning after a night spent in Homework Hell. Count on it. Spend two hours working with your child on homework and the next morning it is impossible to locate. This despite your reiterating rule number # 632 "Put your homework in your backpack", which, you have undoubtedly said 632 times that evening. Sometime between midnight when you haul yourself into bed and the 6 am torture of packing lunches, ironing clothes, checking teeth making a hearty breakfast for your spawn; The Homework Thief sneaks into the house and steals your child's homework so you can look like the negligent parent who parks his ass in front of the TV all night and tells his kid to tell the teacher "the dog ate it."And it never fails that during parent teacher conference you see the teachers whispering as you pass by now and forever to be labeled Loser Mom of the Universe (LMU).

But today I had enough. Tired of being pegged as a SPAM (slacker posing as mom) or a LMU I decided to fight back and protect what shred of dignity I had left after my son's rendition of the now infamous What We Did On Summer Vacation report. Head held high I sent my son's teacher an email this morning. It read:

 Dear Mr. F: Last night KA did his homework (with me suffering right along with him for two hours!) and this morning it is gone. Instead of putting his folder in his backpack when completed as he was instructed to do;once again The Homework Thief has broken into our house and removed his work. UGH. I guess you will have to duct tape KA to the wall as an example to all the other students!

Hmmmm, SPAM mom, I think not. From now on I think I wish to be known as a DIMWIM type of mom (don't intentionally mess with ME). If only more parents took this approach instead of the "don't punish my child just because he is irresistible and irresponsible"the world would be a better place and schools would become safer. Therefore, in keeping with the tradition of innovative school practices I propose this.... duct tape. Better than a hall monitor or an assistant principal whose sole duty is to impose educational justice on slacker kids; at just $2.99 it is a school district's dream come true. 101 uses for duct tape, I think not. Why limit yourself when 102 will do.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Laundry Days

I don't know about you but I HATE doing the never-ending chore of laundry. And I have no problem sharing those beliefs with others. Everyone who knows me knows I hate doing laundry. In fact, I have my own theory regarding is definitely tied in with Karma or at the very least Heaven and Hell. In the first case I am convinced the more "bad" you did in your past life the more laundry you do in this life.  If this is indeed the case I must have been personally responsible for spreading the black plague throughout Europe. If on the other hand you are a Heaven and Hell believer I hate to inform you but if you do not repent it is likely you will be washing angel wings and polishing tarnished halos for all eternity. And did I mention that there are no washing machines in heaven? Best as I can figure laundry is done the old fashioned way with rocks and a cold stream. I think that in my case, God is giving me practice for where I may very well end up. He is giving me the opportunity to "try it on for size"before I have permanently wrinkled dried up "dish pan" hands. And I have to admit it does make me pause and reconsider some of my actions. Give me fire and brimstone over laundry any day.

And speaking of Karma, I do believe it came around today and bit me in the derriere. This in retaliation  for all the bad mouthing of laundry I have done over the years. This vague feeling of uncomfortableness began just after I stepped out of the shower. As the morning wore on I found myself the victim of a strange and elusive butt itch. It wasn't until much later that I finally realized that the burrs and prickers from the Boy Scout camp out laundry had attached itself to my underwear. As a result, certain parts of my anatomy look as if the devil tried to grab me and drag me down to the laundry hell that awaits me downstairs.