I Was Mind F***** By My Nine Year Old

"If one can drown their sorrows in lemon meringue pie than I am surely floating out to sea without a life raft!"~ Me

So today I was called to school because KA was acting up and out. He kept calling out for this stuffed dog, snuggles. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Even kicked his aide which has never happened before. So I went to school armed with cleaning products (natural of course) and a trash bag for picking up leaves to add to my compost pit. Seems this all started because A) I caught KA trying to take his dinosaur book to school and removed it from his backpack B) seems I forgot to give him his medicine. Score two for the Loser Mom of the Year award. So KA is cleaning the tables in the cafeteria and it turns out he is having a great old time and would much rather be doing that than to be in class. Project CLean THe School backfired on me. Hmmmmmm, I have to think of something new to stay one step ahead of him. 

So today when he gets home he is still out of sorts and totally misbehaving. Finally, I told him that since he could only talk about snuggles that I would be taking Snuggles and keeping him with me and that if he did a good job at school tomorrow he could have him back; which I might add he went with quite readily which surprised me. So about an hour later his tutor, Amy, is asking him to write down three things he could have done differently at school regarding the SNUGGLES EPISODE. He tells her "Who is Snuggles?" and just starts screwing with her. "I don't know a Snuggles?" "Who is Snuggles again?" "I don't know any snuggles" at which point I mistakenly decide to call  his bluff and up the ante. So the next time he says he doesn't know who Snuggles is I say, "Well, since you don't know him I guess it won't matter to you if I take him out to the fire pit and burn him up" to which KA replies "I"ll get the marshmallows!!!!!!!!!!!!" Amy and I look at him dumbfounded. What this is his best friend and he wants to roast him right along with the somores?!!!!!!!!!!

So I try again impressing upon the fact that Snuggles is going to be a heap of ashes when he is done in the fire pit and KA's response is, " Bring on the marshmallows". Now I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I have put my own self there!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH! How can I do this to myself????? When will I ever learn???????????? But I now have no choice but to march Snuggles out to a fiery demise. So up the stairs I climb like a soldier leading a prisoner to the guillotine. And as I hold the doomed dog in my hands looking at Amy with a 'please help me get out of this mess' kind of look; down the stairs comes KU with tears in his eyes. 

"You can't burn Snuggles up, you just can't" and the floodgates let loose. "KA loves Snuggles and Snuggles has been a loyal friend."..,..saved by an eight year old.  "You are right KU and since KA doesn't care about Snuggles anymore and you have spared his life he is now yours." (Thank you KU. Bless your kind compassionate soul 1000 times over)

To which KA says "Shucks no marshmallows!"

Which means I will not sleep all night as I try to figure this whole situation out and how I should or should not handle future situations because it is obvious I am being mind f----- by a nine year old and I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks Again Son

Finishing KA's mission project for school.
KA: It's okay mom. Kids think better than the elderly (meaning me!)

Kicking SOme Bunny Bootie

Not sure if I should be writing about this because not sure I want anything thinking any less of me than you already do (which really should not be hard when I really think about it.) BUT, we are staying at The Palms ( beautiful suites BTW). Now, it just so HAPPENS that The Palms has the only Playboy Bunny Club in the nation and it also just so happens my husband made the reservation to stay at this hotel. Hmmmm is this just purely coincidence or should I by into his story that this hotel had the best rooms for the cheapest price? All I know is that when I pick a hotel I have never picked one that had the words Bunny, Bambi or Thumper in it nor have the rooms had sofas so slick than when you sit on them you slide to the other end. But I regress.

So we decide to head up to the Playboy Club with some friends (but in my husbands defense we only went there because he was given the tickets for free for booking said room...hmmmmm) Well, first of all there was no place to sit down unless you "purchased" a table and spent a lot of money on booze. Strike one. 

The drinks were horribly expensive, there were only five Bunnies, and the ratio of past-their-prime men to men-who-might-get lucky was astronomical. My chances of striking it rich on a lottery ticket were looking mighty good in comparison. Strike two. 

The Bunnies just stood around talking to themselves and were actually quite rude to the over-the-hill group. But in truth they didn't just single out that group they were rude to just about anyone who dared to interrupt their Bunny Chatter.  They posed with the nice guys who just wanted a picture to remember their Wild Night In Las Vegas so when they were 90 and drooling on themselves they could think about The Good Old Days. And after every pose they had a look on their face like they deserved hazard pay. They were the kind of girls that expected men to be so dazzled by their beauty and thought they were so special that the only men they would talk to were the ones with big diamonds on their fingers. You know the kind...think back to high school. 

So we stayed about 20 minutes and right before we were going to leave I asked a Bunny if she would pose for a picture with my MAN (I mean every man needs proof if only in his dreams that he has been to the Playboy Club once in his life (and believe me he will ONLY be there once! LOL!) So she gets this tight look on her face kind of like she is ready to rip a big one and is trying to hold it in. I snap the picture and she steps back with "the look" which made me get out mine. "Listen here, _____, " I am thinking in my head. "My man is HOT and you had better treat him that way. Twenty four years of marriage and five kids later he is still the sexiest thing in the room. Who do you think you are? I should just tear your scrawny ass bunny ears off of the top of your head and rip the tail off your hinnie. You didn't know it but you were standing right next to the dictionary definition of a GREAT MAN AND HUSBAND. He's a man who has sacrificed for his family on a daily basis. He's been a leader for our kids activities and has inspired all of us to do better ( which is why I am not beating your bad-ass-Bunny ass right this moment). He has helped those in need and has been a coach cheering the last-kid-picked onto victory. You don't know it but you were just standing next to a gem...a 24 carat gold upstanding man. And that, my dear, is why your and your nest of rabbits, are now, and will  forever be, referred to as nothing more than DUMB BUNNIES!

Justification Is Just A Small Part Of It

For the first time ever, KA, kicked his tutor when he had that meltdown at school a week ago. Today in the car we told him that he needed to write that apology letter to her that he has been procrastinating about writing.

KA: Mom, it would be in HER best interest for me not to write the letter.

Me: Why is that, KA?

KA: "Wouldn't that just be confusing to her for me to write a letter like that after I already apologized in person?"

Yep, nice of you to be so concerned about her welfare son. Too bad you were not when you kicked her.

More Conversations In The Car

Dave and I are talking about the scientist who is wanting to clone a Woolly Mammoth.

KA from the back of the car: "I hear you."

"Okay, you hear us so what do you think?"

KA: " Really, they need to clone a herbavoire not a carnavoire; Preferably something small because they cause less destruction. A woolly mammoth would probably be okay because it is a herbivore.

"Well, what about if they cloned a dragon"

"Well, if they cloned a dragon it would have to be a herbvious dragon but frankly, it is a bad idea because they breath fire. I would really suggest to this man that they clone something small and one that eats insects because there are way to many insects in the world. It needs to be some type of omnivorous creature."

Later

KA "There is a thing I just don't understand. "

Me :Yeah most people don't understand nuclear fusion or stuff like that (thinking we are going to have some sort of big revelation.)

KA: "Why do they say violets are blue when they aren't."

Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"

KA: "You know Roses are red, Violets are blue. They aren't blue they are violet like the name. Who comes up with these things, anyway?"

MeltDown Doesn't Mean a Grilled Cheese

Three meltdowns in three weeks at school...another today. Trying to manipulate and control....KA no longer has any books in his room and will eat a PB&J for dinner and will have to earn his books back. He has been sitting in the car for 1/2 hour because he refuses to come in. Should I take him a pillow and blanket? UUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sticky Sleeping

“When I was sleeping I forgot to chew,” was the explanation KA gives when he woke up with gum throughout his hair and all over the bed. Like an old horse, he must have rolled in it.I guess we will be going to the barber later today after hacking hunks of hair off his head this morning.

19 minutes ago ·  ·  · Comment

Ghandi He Is Not

So sitting around the dinner table we began to discuss KA  Mission project that is due next week. His is the architecturally complex one. I am looking at this monstrosity of a looming project and had an idea.

"KA, I think you should refuse to do a mission as a protest. Why does the state continue to glorify a history of missions that were built through slavery,coercion, and death of the native peoples of the area? Really. I mean it was a horrid time in history. I say you just write a paper about the atrocities suffered rather than glorify a building that is the symbol of human suffering."

"Because mom, I don't think I will get extra credit if I do it your way."

So much for teaching about standing up for what is wrong. Oppression 101-FAIL!!!! Ghandi he is not!

I Think I Will Saw Off My Head With A Butter Knife

All this in a 24 hour period

So we are on the way to social skills group this morning (not for me I might add!) when out of the blue KU asks, "Why don't you homeschool mom?"

Me: "Well, son why do you think I don't home school?"

KU: "You aren't smart enough?"

Me: " Thanks son."

Later I told him it was because I don't have the patience that a teacher has and when you teach someone you have to have a lot of patience.

Five minutes later I get this.

KA arrives at social skills group and tells me he wants his zuzu pet that is in the car. As we are walking out he says, "THere is one problem it has something wrong with the batteries."

Me: "That's okay, KA you can just push it along with your hands."

KA: "That's what they did in the older days when you were a kid. They didn't have moving parts back then.

So in a space of seven minutes I have gone from feeling young and hip (as much as someone pushing 50 can) to feeling old and stupid. Thanks boys!

THe Next DAY

In the store looking for Mommie clothes size L. I pick something up to look at it and say, " This looks a little small." KE replies, " So do you need a size HUGE?"

 Thanks daughter.

 Now in one 24 hour period I am really old, stupid and HUGE according to my kids. I think I will take a dull knife to myself so I can prolong the pain and agony!

The Love Dove

Today at church Pastor Stephanie was talking about when Jesus was baptized by John and the dove appeared. So KA in his infinite wisdom said, "So that was the love dove, right?!"

The Tutor and I Were Mind F***** By A Nine Year Old

So today I was called to school because K was acting up and out. He kept calling out for this stuffed dog, snuggles. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Even kicked his aide which has never happened before. So I went to school armed with cleaning products (natural of course) and a trash bag for picking up leaves to add to my compost pit. Seems this all started because A) I caught KA trying to take his dinosaur book to school and removed it from his backpack B) seems I forgot to give him his medicine. Score two for the Loser Mom of the Year award. So KA is cleaning the tables in the cafeteria and it turns out he is having a great old time and would much rather be doing that than to be in class. Project CLean THe School backfired on me. Hmmmmmm, I have to think of something new to stay one step ahead of him. 

So today when he gets home he is still out of sorts and totally misbehaving. Finally, I told him that since he could only talk about snuggles that I would be taking Snuggles and keeping him with me and that if he did a good job at school tomorrow he could have him back; which I might add he went with quite readily which surprised me. So about an hour later his tutor, Amy, is asking him to write down three things he could have done differently at school regarding the SNUGGLES EPISODE. He tells her "Who is Snuggles?" and just starts screwing with her. "I don't know a Snuggles?" "Who is Snuggles again?" "I don't know any snuggles" at which point I mistakenly decide to call  his bluff and up the ante. So the next time he says he doesn't know who Snuggles is I say, "Well, since you don't know him I guess it won't matter to you if I take him out to the fire pit and burn him up" to which KA replies "I"ll get the marshmallows!!!!!!!!!!!!" Amy and I look at him dumbfounded. What this is his best friend and he wants to roast him right along with the somores?!!!!!!!!!!

So I try again impressing upon the fact that Snuggles is going to be a heap of ashes when he is done in the fire pit and Karson's response is bring on the marshmallows. Now I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I have put my own self there!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH! How can I do this to myself????? When will I ever learn???????????? But I now have no choice but to march Snuggles out to a fiery demise. So up the stairs I climb like a soldier leading a prisoner to the guillotine. And as I hold the doomed dog in my hands looking at Amy with a 'please help me get out of this mess' kind of look; down the stairs comes KU with tears in his eyes. "You can't burn Snuggles up, you just can't" and the floodgates let loose. "KA loves Snuggles and Snuggles has been a loyal friend."..,..saved by an eight year old.  "You are right Kullen and since KA doesn't care about Snuggles anymore and you have spared his life he is now yours." (Thank you KU. Bless your kind compassionate soul 1000 times over)

To which KA says "Shucks no marshmallows!"

Which means I will not sleep all night as I try to figure this whole situation out and how I should or should not handle future situations because it is obvious I am being mind f----- by a nine year old and I don't know what to do about it.