Forrest Gump Lives Here

Today I took the boys to play their first game. Baseball is a confusing sport especially when you are six. Both boys are able to whack the ball off of the T. Unfortunately, Kullen does not realize you must stay on first base once you get there or you are tagged out.

After the first quarter of the first inning Karson is begging me to quit. "I hate baseball," he says. I tell him he must discuss it with his sports loving Dad. I think he would like to be involved in a more sedate sport...something like marathon television watching and potato chip dipping.

So Karson is at bat for the second time. WHACK the ball flies and he makes it to first base. The next kid comes up...WHACK. THe first base coach yells, "Run, Karson, Run." Karson leaves the base, charging hard...into the outfield to help retrieve the ball his teammate just hit. He is tagged out by the opposing team and doesn't understand this turn of event because afterall he was only helping. If only Karson's rules were the rules by which we lived our lives. Things would be much simpler, everyone would be much happier and Peace On Earth would not just be a slogan.

And We Question Where High Blood Pressure Comes From

I had to call Kylee on the telephone today to talk to her. Of course she had to bring up the fact that she would not be living in the dorms at college. The conversation went kind of like this.

She: "Okay I didn't want to tell you this way but I can't live in the
dorms because R is coming to the United States. We plan to get married after I graduate from high school"

Me...thinking to myself....THE HELL YOU ARE
Me...thinking to myself (in a very sterotypical fashion I might add)...Thank goodness he is from South America and a machismo culture where he will most likely forget about her the minute she leaves.
Me...thinking to myself...THE HELL YOU ARE

Me to her: "Well honey that is going to be difficult. I doubt the
United States will let him in."

She: " I have been investigating it. We will be married. He can come on a fiance visa."

Me...thinking...thank GOD the US is cracking down on immigration at least in this case. I just might have to become a Republican.

Me to Her: I doubt that the US will let R in because 1. You are not
educated and cannot support him 2. He is not educated and cannot
support himself 3. He is in a band (okaY i did not say it but I did
think it) 4. He doesn't have lots of money to come here with.
Therefore due to #1, 2, and 4 it is doubtful he can come here."

Me...thinking ....thank goodness for the Patriot Act. Here is one case where it just might come in handy.

She: "I am in a bad mood and don't want to talk anymore."

Me...thinking...don't even ask us to sponsor R. EVER. (which she does a day later)

Me...thinking...why do we have girls anyway?

Me...thinking...I was ripped off during the in vitro process when I
told the doctor that he was to eliminate teenage attitude and the
problems associated with it.

Me...thinking again in sterotypical fashion for which I beg forgiveness...thank goodness he lives in a machismo country and will probably forget her within 10 minutes of her getting on the
plane.

Me...thinking...Now I know why some animals eat their young. It is so much easier than raising them!

Why?

We were out at dinner the other evening celebrating Kullen's five years in our family.

As we are eating Karson says,"MacKenzie says that Chinese people are ugly and that I am Chinese."

"What did you say?"

"I told her that I was Korean, not Chinese," said Karson.

So how do you explain to a six year old that to this little white girl thinks that all Asians look alike no matter if they are Korean, Thai, Indonesian, Chinese or Vietnamese. That it will not matter to her that each Asian nation and people have their own rich culture of food, stories, dress, history and that are as individual and unique as each person at the school. How do you explain to a young child that he will forever be seen as a foreigner in the land of opportunity and that when people ask where he is from they aren't asking if he is from Cleveland? How do you explain that soon he will be getting questions about where his "real" parents are and that for some reason perfect strangers will always question our family relationship with the "are they related line", planting seeds of doubt about our family in his young mind? How do I explain to him that what I learned was learned based on white privilege and that he will get all that entails when he is with me but that it will disappear when he is not? How to I explain to him that when he is older and driving to keep his hands visible at all times if he is pulled over and not to make any sudden moves? How do I explain to him that people will make assumptions about him like he loves fish and is good at math based on his skin color alone? How do I explain to him that certain words like "chink" are meant to hurt him and "keep him in his place"? Will he believe it when I tell him people like that are the ones with the problem or will he internalize it and grow up not liking himself? And why is it at this date and time these are STILL things that have to be explained to a young boy whose mind has yet to be polluted by others...until the other day.

All About Me... But Should It Be?

What is it about Americans? Why does there seem to be this national obsession for constant change and wanting more? What ever happened to being happy with what you have? Finding contentment in what is instead of what isn't?

Over the years I have been guilty of the ME syndrome and have known many others who have fallen victim to its hold. So we work harder, get more degrees, and new toys in a false attempt to make ourselves feel better. But all of this comes with a price which is fine if you are single for you are paying the price alone. But what about when you have children?

Interestingly, it seems to me that Americans seem to convientely forget the fact that after you have children it isn't about ME anymore, it is about THEM. That sometimes you have to put dreams on the shelf for a little while, that work/relationships/recreation won't always be what we imagined and that personal sacrifice is called for when you become parents. Face it, you no longer can expect a perfect life or to get your way all the time. That kind of attitude is fine when you are single but has no place when you are married with children.

Unfortunately the ME in all of us tends to forget that there will always be a better job with better pay, a more understanding/sexy/loving person, and one more mountain left to climb but at what price? Our children didn't ask us to improve ME they only ask for us to create love and stability for THEM by letting go of the ME WANT syndrome.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about situations where there is abuse in a relationship or where a single mother wants to go from working at McDonalds to becoming a nurse. What I am talking about are all the parents who have the "American Dream" but still keep searching for something better on the backs of their kids. It isn't about, "What can I do for you?" Instead it has become "I'm dissatisfied/I need something more/Life isn't exciting enough/ and Where did the real ME go?" When will people just realize that when you become a parent you give up ME for something better and more important. And that is US. The US that was created the minute you signed up for parenthood.

That is why I am encouraging my kids to delay parenthood until they have gone to college or obtained the material things they want from life. Until they have explored the peaks and valleys that are what we call LIFE and truly understand that there are ebbs and flows throughout our lifetime but that we don't just add more things or leave everything behind when those difficult times hit. The phrase 'Seek And Ye Shall Find' should be the motto of the young hip and single. Not the slogan of the parent.

Think About It

It has occurred to me that people put their time and effort into those people/ things that they treasure and those people/things that bring meaning to their lives. Where have you been putting your time and what message is it sending to those around you?

Omma vs. Mom

There is a debate going on in regards to a blog by an adoptee who says that adoptive parents wearing things like Omma pendants are appropraiting something that they shouldn't. That adoptive parents by taking on these names are erasing something that does not rightfully belong to them. Interesting concept.

So I have been thinking about this.

I do wonder if part of the issue for the adoptee has to do with loss and not giving up on seeing their Omma and Appa again. If you suspected that your birth parents were still alive then it might seem disrespectful like your a-parents were trying to take their places. Like why isn't "Mom" and "Dad" good enough for them. The only thing I can relate it to is this:

If my husband were to die and two years later I married again I am not so sure that my children would appreciate being forced to call the new guy "Dad" For them, "Dad" would have a very specific meaning, the man they grew up with, who read to them every night, the man that the world knew as "Dave" and they knew as "Dad." The man who holds the title of "Dad" in their hearts. And its only when and if they CHOSE to give that title to someone else would it be right. Not just because I wanted them to.

Perhaps for some adoptees the word "Appa" or "omma" has that special place in their heart.The place that gives them hope that someday they will be able to meet the person/s who created and birthed them. The place that is reserved for their Korean birthparents. Perhaps those are the words that they have longed to say the first time they touch their first mothers hair, or feel her warm hand in theirs when in Korea and it would only seem right to use those Korean terms of endearment like "Omma". If my kids were meeting their first mother in Korea they certainly wouldn't call her "mom" because it wouldn't have meaning to her or a shared sense of a cultural meaning plus it would be their term of endearment for me.

Today is Kylee's 17th birthday. It seems so strange to have someone who was the main focus of your life 17 years ago not here to celebrate that wonderous day. I miss her. I want to hug her and tell her how much I love her. And then this happened:

Kylee and I were IMing each other when she says," Mom I want to have a serious discussion with you."

Of course with words like this coming from you 17 yo's typewriter your mind begins to fly wildly. She pregnant...she was hurt...she's in love...she never wants to come home...and a host of other absurdities crammed into the old gray matter.

And then she types, "I just wanted you to know that when I am 18 and if you have saved a little money, if anything were to happen to you and Dad I want to take the kids."

And I started bawling. Not because her offer is necessarily a possibility but because she would offer knowing all the challenges that our special needs children face in the years to come. And because I have secretly wondered at times if the adoption of our younger children had perhaps made Kylee feel left out or at the bottom of the pile. That somehow her needs became secondary to theirs.

But maybe I was bawling because that is the minute that I realized my daughter had matured and grown up. That was the moment I realized that she was beginning to think like an adult, love like a parent and grow into a person whose concern about others that she loves outweighs her immediate concern about herself.

And so on the day I so desperately wished I could hug my girl and give her a gift, she turned the tables on me and gave me the best present ever. A one sentence treasure that came from her heart. And sometimes it just doesn't get any better than that!

A Year of New

So this is the time of year that everyone makes those New Years resolutions and within 10 days promptly forgets them. Wouldn't it be amazing if just once everyone decided to learn something new this year. Or began to think in new ways. Or made new friends of different races or religions. Personally, I would like to see some New Year's lists like this:

1. Read a on-line foreign newspaper to discover how news is covered in different lands and what people there are thinking.

2. Volunteer for one day with an organization that diametrically opposed to something you hold near and dear. See if you learn anything new and in the process discover something new about you.

3. Learn something new about the person sitting next to you in church, on the bus, or at the gym. Act on that information in a way that benefits that person or others.

4. Let your child see you look at them in a new way with love and delight in your eyes. Let them see how you viewed them the first time you laid your eyes on them and let them see that tenderness everyday.

5. Learn a new skill this year that can help others. Whether it is glass blowing or auto mechanics someone, somewhere will someday benefit from your new knowledge.

6. Look for new ways to rectify injustice in your town. Speak up when others refuse to do anything about racism, or unequal access or education.

7. Give of your natural skills and abilities. Teach others what you know and value.

New. Its wonderful, enlightning and scary but it might just lead to something remarkable.

Is Forever Really Forever?

Recently in the news there has been the story of the diplomatic couple who adopted a daughter from Korea when she was four months old. According to the family she really never bonded with them and has an "illness" which sounds supeciously like severe RAD. They have left her in Hong Kong and she was placed in foster care system.

Many adoptive parents are outraged at the fact that she was "given away" by her parents and feel that this type of behavior on the part of the parents makes it appear that adoption really is not equivilant to parenting a biological child. While this story is beyond sad had these parents had the training and understanding of what abandonment and being placed with several people in the first months of life can do to a brain perhaps this story could have had a different ending. A happy one. Unfortunately, agencies time and time again tell parents myths like "Oh your baby will bond to you within two weeks" or "Children who come home as infants don't experience bonding problems" or "Foster care is better can institutional care so the kids bond very well to their new families" And really who can blame them...they are a business and like all business they have a product to "sell." If they were honest and said something to the effect of, "Well, we figure about a quarter of the kids will experience some sort of attachment issues," well they would probably chase away their "customers." And of course they will never allow that to happen.

Now I know many adoptive parents will be outraged at the use of the words "sell" and "customers" but lets face it, that is exactly what some adoptess have said they believe adoption is all about. For if these agencies truly wanted to find homes for kids they would allow people with lower end incomes adopt, committed gay couples and the like adopt children. Why is it that only fairly well off couples are deemed deserving of a child? In the case sited supposidely the family was very well off and the child had nannies who looked after her. And this is suppose to be better than a parent who may have less money but more time?

Having had more than one child with RAD I can say it ain't easy. I was not prepared for it and my agency did a lousy job of telling our PIP class what it was, what to look for, etc. But can an agency ever really prepare you for a child who wants little to with you, even one as young as four months? Probably not because no one likes to believe that children who have lost everything can hold onto those fearful feelings for a life time. I mean most of us can't remember what we had for dinner last night so it is inconceivable to most people that a small infant can react to losses so intensely and it can remain with them for so long. Impacting their lives on a daily basis. And frankly most adoptive parents refuse to see RAD or PTSD for what it really is. They prefer to live in la-la land calling their children "strong willed" or using other more "acceptable" terms. Yet, some kids will go on to develop a much more severe form of RAD than they might have because some parents refuse to see RAD for what it really is. They call their children "strong willed" or other more acceptable terms. But it is my understanding that many will have difficulties with relationships over a lifetime if they do not get the help that they need.Often they self medicate through alcohol or drugs, or distance themselves from their adoptive parents and spouses, or have trouble with authority, etc. That's why I believe it is imperative for adoptive parents to understand that their child is at risk and to seek help if they have any question in their mind that their child is having difficulty with attachment. Which brings me back to my original thought.


Many adoptive parents are outraged at the fact that this child was "dumped" by her adoptive family,thereby, giving adoption a bad name and promoting the myth that adoption is not the same as biological. With their holier-than-thou attitudes these parents proclaim "I would NEVER do this to my child." There seems to be the idea that she was dumped because she was adopted and it would never have happened if she had been a bio child. But I don't think the parents gave up because she was adopted but I do think the outrage is there because she is adopted. Had she been a biological child in the same situation we probably would never have heard of it because it happens constantly. I think she was relinquished because her behaviors were probably very harmful to herself and others. And until you have lived it you cannot even begin to fathom the path that these behaviors take. From self injury to deliberate injury of others, pathological lying, destruction of propery,etc. everyday is a challenge to ensure the safety and survival of the child and the others in the house.

Someday, if the agencies are honest they will begin to look for the children who are waiting for their forever families and identify those who have tell-tale signs of attachment issues. And then they will begin to implement programs for care takers to help these children develope appropriate and healthy attachments to those around them. The agencies owe it to their kids and their families to institute these types of programs so that a forever family stays that way.

A Special Place In My Heart

"I have a special place for you in my heart," I murmurred to Karson while holding him tight.

"Where Momma, where is that special place?" he replied.

"It's here," I replied, pointing to the top. "It's where I think of you when you are not here. It's that place that holds my precious memories of you."


"And it's here," I replied pointed a little higher. "It's where I dream of you at night when we are apart and my mind wants to see you again while I sleep. It's the place where I hold onto special dreams."


"Oh, it's also over here," I said. "It's near those parts of me that sing quiet happy songs to myself everytime I think of you. It's that place where I keep my special songs."

"Where else, Momma? he asked. "Where else?"

"Well, its the part closer to my legs so I can run to you whenever you need me," I said."It's that place that gets me to you when I am needed."

"And its over here near my arms so I wrap you in them and hold you close to me when we both need a hug to sustain us and keep us closer," I told him. "It's my hugging place that keeps millions of hugs ready and waiting whenever you need one."

"But most of all that special place in my heart it watches and waits," I said.

"For what, Momma,?" he asked. For what?"

"For you to have your own special spot in your heart that takes you to places that you have only dreamed of and to places that teach you and show you that it is never to late to live out your hearts desire."

"And when will I get my own special spot,?" he asked.

"Oh, you already do but it only opens its door to you after your own child walks into your heart and turns the lock with their own special key that no one else has. The key to the special spot is love, my darling. Yes, the key to it all is love."

Copyright 12/9/07 by Cheryl L. Dieter