THE "FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" LIST

I don't know about you but as a mom there seems to be some sort of invisible list that hangs over my head, flapping in the breeze to remind me of its presence. THE LIST consists of all the things my kids must do at least once so that I can check off one more box that assures me that I AM A GOOD MOM. Trying new food. The latest, brocolli....check. Yearly pictures at Sears...oops missed that one...but now that I am aware of that fact by next Tuesday it will be done...semi-check. Playing the piano...okay not ready for Carnegie Hall but does know where middle C is located...check. Now Dave is the sports minded one in our family but because two of our three children get crazed if something as small as an ant touches them trying to knock out the numerous athletic activies...well, its a challenge. If I had my druthers I would just scratch that whole section off THE LIST as several family members consider high quality endurance sports akin to laying on the couch and dipping ruffled potato chips into dip. (the endurance part comes when you have to turn the chip around and dip again being careful not to double-dip) But I have a fear that scratch outs might just not get you into heaven so I persist in introducing my kids to new sports knowing in my heart of hearts that is what all GOOD moms do. This is what lead us to the Gateway Ice Skating rink yesterday afternoon where the kids attempted ice skating for the first time.

 I will admit that sometimes it seems as though it takes a while for my kids to get comfortable with new activities. First we have to check out each and every toilet in the entire facility. If the seat is comfortable then my kids might give it a try. If not, we are OUTTA there.

Next comes that vending machines. If they have anything gluten free and casesin free then no matter what comes next the day will be considered a success.

Finally, throw in a 16 yo cashier who is making minimum wage but will answer every one of the 20,000 questions through at them about the history of the sport, the equipment used and the rules of the sport, then participation is a definite maybe. Better yet, if the cashier can quote numerous safety statstics; then its a go. Yes, even contemplating sports can be an exhausting endeavor.

So after spending 1/2 hour tying and re-typing the skates, using the bathroom...again... and learning to walk on blades the time had come for the kids to make their way onto the ice. If, as the old adage goes, you can smell fear; then the fumes around our family was the pungent odor that follows you about three hours after eating grandma's chili. You just couldn't shake it. Feet started going every which way but forward and the sound of buttoms slapping the ice...HARD... reverberated throughout the arena. To top it off, I pulled my back out trying to hold up one child while falling down with another. Mom was done and judging from the little faces surrounding me, the vending machine owner was about to become a very rich man.

Kullen put a brave face on and after once around decided taking his hands off the railing was more to his liking. Kellis whined until her daddy escorted her like the princess she is around the rink. But I knew all was lost in regards to Karson when he spent 1/2 hour going 1/2 around the rink with his toes turned in towards the wood paneling the entire time. Never have a seen a child so happy as when he took his blades off the ice. After exiting the rink he looked up at me and said, "Well, those were absolutely the worst minutes I have ever spent in my entire life!" And needless to say,  his assessment didn't get any better except until Dave bought hot chocolate.

Later, on the way home, Karson talked about the experience. His take? "Well, I am glad that is over. I did it once, it's a no go and thank goodness I will never have to do that again. Now, mom, what else can we cross of your list of things I have to do?"

"What list?"

"You know, the one that you have that makes me try everything for my own good even though we both know I am going to hate it. So really, this list is really about you. Why don't we just leave it at that!"

And with that he was done. But I'm not. I want to know how he knew about THE LIST?

...And The Ending Never Comes

The other day a friend on FB talked about reading with her son and how all his questions made her want to stab herself in the eye. I totally get that because there is nothing worse than someone who:
A. Fancies themselves an editor and wants to re-write the story in Vulcan and of course not knowing a word of Vulcan decides you must
B. Doesn't understand Rule # 215 of reading which is one person reads at a fairly rapid clip while adding appropriate silly voices while the other person shuts-up, sits still and just LISTENS.
Now obviously, if you know my son, you know he does not understand rule #215 or any of the 214 Reading Rules that come before it. Witness a conversation that we once had several years ago as I began to read Goldilocks and The Three Bears.


Me: "Once upon a time there were three bears."
KA: "How do you know there were three bears, Mommy?"
Me: " Because that story is named Goldilocks and the THREE Bears. 
KA: "What about if two other bears were lost in the forest so there were really five bears?" 
Me: "Son, it's THREE bears. It's not the eight bears or the five bears. It's the THREE bears.
KA:"Yeah, you are probably right. Bears often have twins but not three cubs." 
"Great," I think to myself. Can we finish now? 
Me: "Once upon a time there was a Poppa bear, a Momma bear and a wee little bear."
KA: "Mom, that cannot be right. Male bears do not stay with the female bears and their cubs."
Me: "Well, in this story it did, son."
KA: "Well, it is not accurate then." 
Me: "Son, it is a FAIRY TALE. It is not suppose to be accurate."
KA: "Why not? Don't the Fairies speak English?"
Me: "Honey, fairy tales are fun stories they don't have to have really happened."
KA: 'So they are lies? Why would they tell kids lies?"
Me: "Because Walt Disney wanted to build a theme park to make them happy."
KA: "That sounds reasonable."
Me: "Can we get back to the story now?"
KA: "Sure mommy."
Me: "Okay so there was the Pappa bear, the Momma bear and the Baby bear."
KA: "But Mom..."
Me: "Okay,  for the sake of clarity," I hissed, "The Poppa Bear joined the Million Man March which taught him that to be a real man he needed to stay with and help provide for his young."
KA: "Mom?"
Me: "WHAT????????????"
KA: "Mom this is a boring book. May I go to bed now?"


Seriously, I think Robin and I need to "read" sign language books to our kids.

Pivital Moments

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping and KA was with me. As I told him to follow me back to the fitting rooms he looked at me with horror on his face and said, "Oh gross, I don't want to see you nude." 
"Well, son," I replied "I wasn't going to let you into the room with me. I was going to have you park it here in this chair."
"Thank goodness," he said. " I think that could have been a piviotal moment in my life that could have turned out really bad; kind of like a nightmare that never ends!"

Critical Mass

KA spends inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom. He goes there to think and ponder life while doing his duty. The problem with all this thinking is that it doesn't leave time for contemplating the amount of toilet paper that is being used per dump. This results in massive backups in the plumbing system. 


Today I am thinking that KA pooping has reached Critical Mass...number of trees left on earth x amount of toilet paper used by son = mass extinction of humankind. 


Can someone find me a plunger....AGAIN!!!!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME #5,796,823 Or DON"T TAKE FOOD FROM MY KIDS

Sometimes I just shake my head and surrender.  I mean,sometimes, there is just nothing else to do but that. Today was one of those days

So I am downstairs with KU when he says to me, "Mom, KA dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"That's too bad," I said.

"But Mom, he dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"Did he flush it?" I ask.

"No"

"So where is it?"

"KA has it"

"KA," I yell at the top of my lungs, "Come down here please."

"Okay Mom"

"KA did you drop your pack of gum in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom, I did"

"So where is it?"

"Right here," he says pulling it out of his pocket.

Then it dawns on me....

"KA, is the gum you are chewing, the gum you dropped in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom"

Tutor Taylor and I just stare at each other, incredulous, until she recovers and says "KA gum that has been in the toilet has germs. Go spit it out right now!"

KA runs to spit it out....then KU follows right behind him and spits his out!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? REALLY????? After that lollipop incident in the pit toilet? Didn't you learn anything then?????????? Granted you were only 5 but PLEASSSSSSE that is one of the lessons that should never be a repeat.

"KA, why did you think it was okay to fish your pack of gum out of the toilet?"

"Well, I let it dry out first!"

Remember,  the rule......NEVER, EVER, EVER take anything you put in your mouth from my children. NEVER!!!!!!!! Taking anything food from my kids can be hazardous to your health!!!!! Consider this to be a warning and some sort of legal publication!!!!

A Dinner COnversation

"What happened to Uncle John," asks KA.

"He went to heaven," said Dave.

"It is scientifically impossible for a man to survive in clouds without falling down, " said KA. "I mean a person weighs more than 100 pounds so they couldn't be sitting on clouds."

Dave: "Well, it isn't the body that is up in the clouds it is the spirit. When you die you lose your body which frees your spirit."

"So are all those spirits dodging airplanes up there?," asks KA.

"Spirits are higher than the airplanes," replies Dave.

"So they are dodging all the satellites and space junk?" the young one says.

"No" Dave Replies

"Why not, Dad" says KE

"They don't have to," says the Dad.

THe conversation then steers to the Old Testament vs. The New Testament.

"The Old Testmant is B.C. and the New Testament is A.D," I state.

"Oh, so you mean A.D. is AFTER DINOSAURS and B.C. is BEFORE CAVEMEN," concludes KA.