THE "FOR YOUR OWN GOOD" LIST

I don't know about you but as a mom there seems to be some sort of invisible list that hangs over my head, flapping in the breeze to remind me of its presence. THE LIST consists of all the things my kids must do at least once so that I can check off one more box that assures me that I AM A GOOD MOM. Trying new food. The latest, brocolli....check. Yearly pictures at Sears...oops missed that one...but now that I am aware of that fact by next Tuesday it will be done...semi-check. Playing the piano...okay not ready for Carnegie Hall but does know where middle C is located...check. Now Dave is the sports minded one in our family but because two of our three children get crazed if something as small as an ant touches them trying to knock out the numerous athletic activies...well, its a challenge. If I had my druthers I would just scratch that whole section off THE LIST as several family members consider high quality endurance sports akin to laying on the couch and dipping ruffled potato chips into dip. (the endurance part comes when you have to turn the chip around and dip again being careful not to double-dip) But I have a fear that scratch outs might just not get you into heaven so I persist in introducing my kids to new sports knowing in my heart of hearts that is what all GOOD moms do. This is what lead us to the Gateway Ice Skating rink yesterday afternoon where the kids attempted ice skating for the first time.

 I will admit that sometimes it seems as though it takes a while for my kids to get comfortable with new activities. First we have to check out each and every toilet in the entire facility. If the seat is comfortable then my kids might give it a try. If not, we are OUTTA there.

Next comes that vending machines. If they have anything gluten free and casesin free then no matter what comes next the day will be considered a success.

Finally, throw in a 16 yo cashier who is making minimum wage but will answer every one of the 20,000 questions through at them about the history of the sport, the equipment used and the rules of the sport, then participation is a definite maybe. Better yet, if the cashier can quote numerous safety statstics; then its a go. Yes, even contemplating sports can be an exhausting endeavor.

So after spending 1/2 hour tying and re-typing the skates, using the bathroom...again... and learning to walk on blades the time had come for the kids to make their way onto the ice. If, as the old adage goes, you can smell fear; then the fumes around our family was the pungent odor that follows you about three hours after eating grandma's chili. You just couldn't shake it. Feet started going every which way but forward and the sound of buttoms slapping the ice...HARD... reverberated throughout the arena. To top it off, I pulled my back out trying to hold up one child while falling down with another. Mom was done and judging from the little faces surrounding me, the vending machine owner was about to become a very rich man.

Kullen put a brave face on and after once around decided taking his hands off the railing was more to his liking. Kellis whined until her daddy escorted her like the princess she is around the rink. But I knew all was lost in regards to Karson when he spent 1/2 hour going 1/2 around the rink with his toes turned in towards the wood paneling the entire time. Never have a seen a child so happy as when he took his blades off the ice. After exiting the rink he looked up at me and said, "Well, those were absolutely the worst minutes I have ever spent in my entire life!" And needless to say,  his assessment didn't get any better except until Dave bought hot chocolate.

Later, on the way home, Karson talked about the experience. His take? "Well, I am glad that is over. I did it once, it's a no go and thank goodness I will never have to do that again. Now, mom, what else can we cross of your list of things I have to do?"

"What list?"

"You know, the one that you have that makes me try everything for my own good even though we both know I am going to hate it. So really, this list is really about you. Why don't we just leave it at that!"

And with that he was done. But I'm not. I want to know how he knew about THE LIST?

...And The Ending Never Comes

The other day a friend on FB talked about reading with her son and how all his questions made her want to stab herself in the eye. I totally get that because there is nothing worse than someone who:
A. Fancies themselves an editor and wants to re-write the story in Vulcan and of course not knowing a word of Vulcan decides you must
B. Doesn't understand Rule # 215 of reading which is one person reads at a fairly rapid clip while adding appropriate silly voices while the other person shuts-up, sits still and just LISTENS.
Now obviously, if you know my son, you know he does not understand rule #215 or any of the 214 Reading Rules that come before it. Witness a conversation that we once had several years ago as I began to read Goldilocks and The Three Bears.


Me: "Once upon a time there were three bears."
KA: "How do you know there were three bears, Mommy?"
Me: " Because that story is named Goldilocks and the THREE Bears. 
KA: "What about if two other bears were lost in the forest so there were really five bears?" 
Me: "Son, it's THREE bears. It's not the eight bears or the five bears. It's the THREE bears.
KA:"Yeah, you are probably right. Bears often have twins but not three cubs." 
"Great," I think to myself. Can we finish now? 
Me: "Once upon a time there was a Poppa bear, a Momma bear and a wee little bear."
KA: "Mom, that cannot be right. Male bears do not stay with the female bears and their cubs."
Me: "Well, in this story it did, son."
KA: "Well, it is not accurate then." 
Me: "Son, it is a FAIRY TALE. It is not suppose to be accurate."
KA: "Why not? Don't the Fairies speak English?"
Me: "Honey, fairy tales are fun stories they don't have to have really happened."
KA: 'So they are lies? Why would they tell kids lies?"
Me: "Because Walt Disney wanted to build a theme park to make them happy."
KA: "That sounds reasonable."
Me: "Can we get back to the story now?"
KA: "Sure mommy."
Me: "Okay so there was the Pappa bear, the Momma bear and the Baby bear."
KA: "But Mom..."
Me: "Okay,  for the sake of clarity," I hissed, "The Poppa Bear joined the Million Man March which taught him that to be a real man he needed to stay with and help provide for his young."
KA: "Mom?"
Me: "WHAT????????????"
KA: "Mom this is a boring book. May I go to bed now?"


Seriously, I think Robin and I need to "read" sign language books to our kids.

Pivital Moments

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping and KA was with me. As I told him to follow me back to the fitting rooms he looked at me with horror on his face and said, "Oh gross, I don't want to see you nude." 
"Well, son," I replied "I wasn't going to let you into the room with me. I was going to have you park it here in this chair."
"Thank goodness," he said. " I think that could have been a piviotal moment in my life that could have turned out really bad; kind of like a nightmare that never ends!"

Critical Mass

KA spends inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom. He goes there to think and ponder life while doing his duty. The problem with all this thinking is that it doesn't leave time for contemplating the amount of toilet paper that is being used per dump. This results in massive backups in the plumbing system. 


Today I am thinking that KA pooping has reached Critical Mass...number of trees left on earth x amount of toilet paper used by son = mass extinction of humankind. 


Can someone find me a plunger....AGAIN!!!!!!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME #5,796,823 Or DON"T TAKE FOOD FROM MY KIDS

Sometimes I just shake my head and surrender.  I mean,sometimes, there is just nothing else to do but that. Today was one of those days

So I am downstairs with KU when he says to me, "Mom, KA dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"That's too bad," I said.

"But Mom, he dropped his pack of gum in the toilet."

"Did he flush it?" I ask.

"No"

"So where is it?"

"KA has it"

"KA," I yell at the top of my lungs, "Come down here please."

"Okay Mom"

"KA did you drop your pack of gum in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom, I did"

"So where is it?"

"Right here," he says pulling it out of his pocket.

Then it dawns on me....

"KA, is the gum you are chewing, the gum you dropped in the toilet?"

"Yes, Mom"

Tutor Taylor and I just stare at each other, incredulous, until she recovers and says "KA gum that has been in the toilet has germs. Go spit it out right now!"

KA runs to spit it out....then KU follows right behind him and spits his out!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? REALLY????? After that lollipop incident in the pit toilet? Didn't you learn anything then?????????? Granted you were only 5 but PLEASSSSSSE that is one of the lessons that should never be a repeat.

"KA, why did you think it was okay to fish your pack of gum out of the toilet?"

"Well, I let it dry out first!"

Remember,  the rule......NEVER, EVER, EVER take anything you put in your mouth from my children. NEVER!!!!!!!! Taking anything food from my kids can be hazardous to your health!!!!! Consider this to be a warning and some sort of legal publication!!!!

A Dinner COnversation

"What happened to Uncle John," asks KA.

"He went to heaven," said Dave.

"It is scientifically impossible for a man to survive in clouds without falling down, " said KA. "I mean a person weighs more than 100 pounds so they couldn't be sitting on clouds."

Dave: "Well, it isn't the body that is up in the clouds it is the spirit. When you die you lose your body which frees your spirit."

"So are all those spirits dodging airplanes up there?," asks KA.

"Spirits are higher than the airplanes," replies Dave.

"So they are dodging all the satellites and space junk?" the young one says.

"No" Dave Replies

"Why not, Dad" says KE

"They don't have to," says the Dad.

THe conversation then steers to the Old Testament vs. The New Testament.

"The Old Testmant is B.C. and the New Testament is A.D," I state.

"Oh, so you mean A.D. is AFTER DINOSAURS and B.C. is BEFORE CAVEMEN," concludes KA.

I Was Mind F***** By My Nine Year Old

"If one can drown their sorrows in lemon meringue pie than I am surely floating out to sea without a life raft!"~ Me

So today I was called to school because KA was acting up and out. He kept calling out for this stuffed dog, snuggles. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Even kicked his aide which has never happened before. So I went to school armed with cleaning products (natural of course) and a trash bag for picking up leaves to add to my compost pit. Seems this all started because A) I caught KA trying to take his dinosaur book to school and removed it from his backpack B) seems I forgot to give him his medicine. Score two for the Loser Mom of the Year award. So KA is cleaning the tables in the cafeteria and it turns out he is having a great old time and would much rather be doing that than to be in class. Project CLean THe School backfired on me. Hmmmmmm, I have to think of something new to stay one step ahead of him. 

So today when he gets home he is still out of sorts and totally misbehaving. Finally, I told him that since he could only talk about snuggles that I would be taking Snuggles and keeping him with me and that if he did a good job at school tomorrow he could have him back; which I might add he went with quite readily which surprised me. So about an hour later his tutor, Amy, is asking him to write down three things he could have done differently at school regarding the SNUGGLES EPISODE. He tells her "Who is Snuggles?" and just starts screwing with her. "I don't know a Snuggles?" "Who is Snuggles again?" "I don't know any snuggles" at which point I mistakenly decide to call  his bluff and up the ante. So the next time he says he doesn't know who Snuggles is I say, "Well, since you don't know him I guess it won't matter to you if I take him out to the fire pit and burn him up" to which KA replies "I"ll get the marshmallows!!!!!!!!!!!!" Amy and I look at him dumbfounded. What this is his best friend and he wants to roast him right along with the somores?!!!!!!!!!!

So I try again impressing upon the fact that Snuggles is going to be a heap of ashes when he is done in the fire pit and KA's response is, " Bring on the marshmallows". Now I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I have put my own self there!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH! How can I do this to myself????? When will I ever learn???????????? But I now have no choice but to march Snuggles out to a fiery demise. So up the stairs I climb like a soldier leading a prisoner to the guillotine. And as I hold the doomed dog in my hands looking at Amy with a 'please help me get out of this mess' kind of look; down the stairs comes KU with tears in his eyes. 

"You can't burn Snuggles up, you just can't" and the floodgates let loose. "KA loves Snuggles and Snuggles has been a loyal friend."..,..saved by an eight year old.  "You are right KU and since KA doesn't care about Snuggles anymore and you have spared his life he is now yours." (Thank you KU. Bless your kind compassionate soul 1000 times over)

To which KA says "Shucks no marshmallows!"

Which means I will not sleep all night as I try to figure this whole situation out and how I should or should not handle future situations because it is obvious I am being mind f----- by a nine year old and I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks Again Son

Finishing KA's mission project for school.
KA: It's okay mom. Kids think better than the elderly (meaning me!)

Kicking SOme Bunny Bootie

Not sure if I should be writing about this because not sure I want anything thinking any less of me than you already do (which really should not be hard when I really think about it.) BUT, we are staying at The Palms ( beautiful suites BTW). Now, it just so HAPPENS that The Palms has the only Playboy Bunny Club in the nation and it also just so happens my husband made the reservation to stay at this hotel. Hmmmm is this just purely coincidence or should I by into his story that this hotel had the best rooms for the cheapest price? All I know is that when I pick a hotel I have never picked one that had the words Bunny, Bambi or Thumper in it nor have the rooms had sofas so slick than when you sit on them you slide to the other end. But I regress.

So we decide to head up to the Playboy Club with some friends (but in my husbands defense we only went there because he was given the tickets for free for booking said room...hmmmmm) Well, first of all there was no place to sit down unless you "purchased" a table and spent a lot of money on booze. Strike one. 

The drinks were horribly expensive, there were only five Bunnies, and the ratio of past-their-prime men to men-who-might-get lucky was astronomical. My chances of striking it rich on a lottery ticket were looking mighty good in comparison. Strike two. 

The Bunnies just stood around talking to themselves and were actually quite rude to the over-the-hill group. But in truth they didn't just single out that group they were rude to just about anyone who dared to interrupt their Bunny Chatter.  They posed with the nice guys who just wanted a picture to remember their Wild Night In Las Vegas so when they were 90 and drooling on themselves they could think about The Good Old Days. And after every pose they had a look on their face like they deserved hazard pay. They were the kind of girls that expected men to be so dazzled by their beauty and thought they were so special that the only men they would talk to were the ones with big diamonds on their fingers. You know the kind...think back to high school. 

So we stayed about 20 minutes and right before we were going to leave I asked a Bunny if she would pose for a picture with my MAN (I mean every man needs proof if only in his dreams that he has been to the Playboy Club once in his life (and believe me he will ONLY be there once! LOL!) So she gets this tight look on her face kind of like she is ready to rip a big one and is trying to hold it in. I snap the picture and she steps back with "the look" which made me get out mine. "Listen here, _____, " I am thinking in my head. "My man is HOT and you had better treat him that way. Twenty four years of marriage and five kids later he is still the sexiest thing in the room. Who do you think you are? I should just tear your scrawny ass bunny ears off of the top of your head and rip the tail off your hinnie. You didn't know it but you were standing right next to the dictionary definition of a GREAT MAN AND HUSBAND. He's a man who has sacrificed for his family on a daily basis. He's been a leader for our kids activities and has inspired all of us to do better ( which is why I am not beating your bad-ass-Bunny ass right this moment). He has helped those in need and has been a coach cheering the last-kid-picked onto victory. You don't know it but you were just standing next to a gem...a 24 carat gold upstanding man. And that, my dear, is why your and your nest of rabbits, are now, and will  forever be, referred to as nothing more than DUMB BUNNIES!

Justification Is Just A Small Part Of It

For the first time ever, KA, kicked his tutor when he had that meltdown at school a week ago. Today in the car we told him that he needed to write that apology letter to her that he has been procrastinating about writing.

KA: Mom, it would be in HER best interest for me not to write the letter.

Me: Why is that, KA?

KA: "Wouldn't that just be confusing to her for me to write a letter like that after I already apologized in person?"

Yep, nice of you to be so concerned about her welfare son. Too bad you were not when you kicked her.